11-12-10 (Computer problems have kept this entry from being published.)
I’m in the K-café at church. I’ve needed to blog for a few days now, but since updating to Snow Leopard, my computer will not pick up Wifi. I just realized that the computer can’t pick up Wifi at church either. It isn’t the Internet but my computer.
This is an example of what I’m struggling with lately. I feel incompetent and stupid and incapable of doing just about anything except teaching and organizing stuff. (In my mind, I should have thought about this before I came all the way to the church to blog.)
I could type out the list of dumb things I’ve done since becoming a homemaker, but that isn’t helpful. When the Apostle Paul commands us not to “keep a record of past wrongs,” I’m going to apply that to our own records, not just others’.
The past two days I’ve been weepier than usual. Hormones attribute a lot of dips to this emotional rollercoaster. At the same time, I’m semi-convinced that hormones only bring out what’s already in my heart. It’s the whole dirty-water-in-a-cup illustration. The hormones haven’t put the dirty water in the cup. It was already there. Circumstances, or in this case hormones, simply thumped the cup, and dirty water came spilling out.
Dirty water may be a strong picture. I haven’t sinned in my sadness. I haven’t forsaken Jesus and sought other lovers. I’ve simply been sad and easily upset and self-pitiful. Hmmm, is that sinful?
Self-pity is a sin or is it a temptation? A temptation to despair? That is a sin, not believing that God is in this situation for my good and His glory. I don’t’ know. I’ve “done the next thing.” I’ve gotten in the Word. I’ve prayed. I’ve cried. I’ve gotten out of the house. I’ve played and sang worship songs as I work at home.
Still, my heart is lowly and sad. My mouth won’t smile. If I didn’t love…No, no, bad theology…If Jesus weren’t holding onto me now, I’d stay in bed all day and do nothing but sleep and cry. I’d sit on the proverbial “pity pot” and make some excuses to my hubby why I’ve done nothing all day.
Going back to the dirty-water-in-a-cup, or rather discolored-water-in-my-cup, what is it? What’s in my heart right now that’s bubbling up from hormones’ sloshing my cup about? Sadness? Loneliness? Fear? Laziness? Uncertainty? Self-pity? All of the above?
I can only say with King David, “My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, ‘Where is your God?’…Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” (Psalm 42:3,5)
