My hubby is a broken cistern, and that's a good thing.

“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments." (Exodus 20:4-6 ESV)

I serve a jealous God, and that sounds terrifying. It isn't the kind of jealousy that is megalomaniacal. It's a "jealous for" something rather than a "jealous of" something. God is jealous for my affections and love. He won't settle for anything less than all of me. He commands His children to bow to and serve only Him, nothing and no one else.

Again, it sounds self-serving. God only wants us for Himself. He wants us to bow to only Him. Well, if He weren't all-satisfying, then, yes, that would be devastating. We'd live our lives in submission to His will, only to be left longing for what's better and more filling.

God know only He fills the voids in our hearts. He knows only His love makes us whole and keeps our souls satisfied. Knowing all this, He draws us to Himself to find peace and fulfillment and satisfaction. Everything else we run to is what God names, "a broken cistern."

"Be appalled, O heavens, at this;

be shocked, be utterly desolate,

declares the LORD,

for my people have committed two evils:

they have forsaken me,

the fountain of living waters,

and hewed out cisterns for themselves,

broken cisterns that can hold no water."

(Jeremiah 2:12-13 ESV)

I have done this. I didn't know how many broken cisterns I'd built for myself until yesterday.

Labor. Delivery. Breastfeeding. My hubby. Sleep.

The list seems small, but they are idols nonetheless. Even one idol is destructive and sinful.

All these things and people I'd expected to satisfy me. Labor was to be at home with my hubby, not short but moving along well. I could be relaxed and wait before heading to the hospital. Delivery would be without medication, and it would be with no cutting. Breastfeeding may not come easily, but it would come. It'd be wonderful and intimate and connect me with Caleb. My hubby would be my coach. He'd keep me calm and relaxed and take wonderful care of me.

Some of those things happened. Mostly the last. However, now my hubby's back at work. Slowly, God has stripped away the others. (I'm even afraid of what may happen to my hubby. Will God strip him away, as well?) All of my idols, my cisterns that I dug, have proved

that they cannot hold water, and they cannot satisfy.

If God did not satisfy and strengthen my soul, I would not be writing this. I would not be whole. I would probably not love Caleb and be able to move forward in life. I have felt small temptings of PPD, and I can see how others can get pulled in and trapped for weeks and months.

I still have my hubby and my baby. My hubby still loves me and is taking wonderful, wonderful care of me, so I'm at an impasse. I know full well that God will have no other gods before Him. I have seen and felt His discipline for idolatry.

I can either fight the temptation to make my hubby and idol, or I can turn my back to the Fountain of Living Waters and continue searching for water in my hubby. One decision brings peace and joy. The other will dry me up and leave me with nothing, possibly literally. (Yes, I realize that God doesn't snatch things from us just for fun, but He will do whatever He needs in order to keep us for Himself.)

"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;

I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.

For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it,

for how should my name be profaned?

My glory I will not give to another."

(Isaiah 48:10-11 ESV)

Father in heaven, give me grace upon grace. Give me strength to obey You and love You and serve You above all other gods. Keep my heart and soul so satisfied that I won't look to my hubby or Caleb or sleep or any other god to fill me up. Please. Please. I confess that I'm afraid of Your discipline any further. I don't want to lose my hubby or my baby. Forgive me. They are Yours to do with as You see fit. Give me grace to love You no matter Your will for my life. Let me say with Job, "Though he slay me, I will hope in him." I love You, Lord. Keep my heart. Guard it from idols. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thus says the LORD,

your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:

“I am the LORD your God,

who teaches you to profit,

who leads you in the way you should go.

Oh that you had paid attention to my commandments!

Then your peace would have been like a river,

and your righteousness like the waves of the sea;

(Isaiah 48:17-18 ESV)