Sarah, Jeremiah and Solomon

A beautiful siren once confessed, "Everything changes / Everything falls apart / Can't stop to feel myself losing control / But deep in my senses I know / How stupid could I be / A simpleton could see / that you're no good for me..."


A suffering prophet once observed, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)


A wise king once commanded, "Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well." (Proverbs 5:15)


The grass is never greener. Our hearts will lie to us, tempting us to find satisfaction in the forbidden ones. Drink deeply from your own well, your own husband or wife. Do not be led astray; you'll only be left to die of thirst. 

This is About You and Me.

"Keep a jealous watch over your repentance. Keep it up—keep it up, and let not the fire burn low. Whenever you find a slackness coming over your soul—whenever you feel slow, dull, heavy, cold, and careless about little sins—look to your own heart then, and take heed lest you fall. Say to your soul, 'Oh, my soul, what are you doing? Have you forgotten David’s fall? Have you forgotten Peter’s backsliding? Have you forgotten David’s subsequent misery? Have you forgotten Peter’s tears? Awake, O my soul, awake once more. Heap on fuel, make the fire burn bright. Return again to your God, let your repentance once more be lively. Let your repentance be repented over again.' Alas, how few are the hours in a Christian’s best days when he does not make work for repentance!" ~J.C. Ryle

An unrepentant heart filled with small sins will soon find the disastrous ones a little more gray.

"Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." ~Proverbs 28:13

Love:Hate

I have a love-hate relationship with Small Groups.

Why I love Small Groups: We pray for one another.
Why I hate Small Groups: In order for others to pray for me, I must confess my sins to them.

How humiliating...er...um....humbling it is to be in a Small Group. It is also liberating, to confess your sins to another sinner.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16 ESV)

Healing Begins Video Journal

And Samuel said,

"Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, 
and to listen than the fat of rams." (1 Samuel 15:22)

Well, I don't have a fiery altar or ram fat, but I do have Bible reading and prayer. They don't sound nearly so exciting, but they're the little "sacrifices" of Christians, the spiritual disciplines around which our lives revolve.

My Christian Spiritual Disciplines:

• read the Bible every day (or close to it)
• pray for myself and others
• write in my flowery little journal from Rite Aid
• listen to sermons, Christian books and worship music
• go to church...every Sunday

Like King Saul, I find myself more consumed with completing a long list of spiritual duties than simply obeying God, doing the things He's commanded me to do. (I'm so thankful that God left us the Bible. Makes knowing God's will a lot easier.)

I'm a Christian, a believer and lover of Jesus. That means I'm a child of God. I'm His little girl, and He expects His children to obey Him, not out of fear but out of love. He loves me and knows what's absolutely best for me. When I obey Him, life just seems to "go better," even when it's falling apart.

So here's to obeying my Heavenly Daddy, trusting that what He says is best and always proves good for me and glorifying to Him.

P.S. Obeying God isn't out of fear, but it's a response to the love He has for us. Also, obedience doesn't gain Christians favor with God. We already have His favor by Jesus' death. Again, our obedience is saying, "You've loved me! I love you, and I trust you."

Joyful Diligence?

So this is me. In my natural state. I would sit and rot my life away with a book or sleeping or eating. I do not kid myself that I'm inherently diligent or self-motivating or any such nonsense.

Also, I spend most of my time feeling guilty and beating myself up. Not a fun ride.

Sit. Read. Sit some more. Nap. Feel fat. Need to get up. No, I don't feel like getting up. Sit some more. Feel worse. I'll try again tomorrow.

Wake up. New day! Well, I'm always lazy, so why even try. Thus begins the cycle. Again.

This is life for me. Allow me to confess some sins to you: I'm excruciating lazy and selfish and feel quite entitled to do whatever I want. (Being a SAHM makes for a comfortable breeding ground for these sins.)

But God is a good Dad. He doesn't just sit by and let His children live in the filth they've always known. God is love, and that is not loving.

After some "coincidences" recently, I'm convinced that God wants me to step up and fight to be diligent in all areas of my life. (Yes, this is something that should be a given. For me, it hasn't been. Now, stop judging me.)

So here they are: my goals for 2012. They're big, but I've spent some time writing down how to practically live them out. (Those details would be different for everyone, so I won't give them.)

• Personal: Eat healthy, sleep responsibly and exercise daily.
• Walk with God: Seek satisfaction in God alone and fight for joy.
• Family: Love and serve my family with joy.
• Home: Work diligently, as for the Lord and not my hubby.
• Ministry: Joyfully pour my life out for the women and children I serve. 

Yes. They sound like your average Christian To-do List, but none of these things are easy for me. I have to fight to do them. I want to do them, but I just don't.

Here's to a new year and a hope in God's sufficient grace that produces change.

P.S. Please note that I'm seeking to all of this with joy, another attribute that doesn't come naturally. Like, at all. 

Mystic Sweet Communion

with those whose rest is won...

John Newton is best known for writing the hymn, Amazing Grace. He also loved, discipled and mentored William Cowper. Cowper is known for his many poems and hymns. He also struggled with Melancholy until he died in 1800. Today we would label Melancholy as Clinical Depression. 


I read this a few weeks ago, and printed it out. Reading it again today made my heart rejoice. This is a portion of a letter from Newton to Cowper; how timely it is, these hundreds of years later. 
____________


"The Christian calling, like many others, is easy and clear in theory, but not without much care and difficulty to be reduced to practice. Things appear quite otherwise, when felt experimentally, to what they do, when only read in a book. Many learn the art of navigation (as it is called), by the fire-side at home; but when they come to sea, with their heads full of rules, and without experience, they find that the art is only to be thoroughly learnt upon the spot. So, to renounce self, to live upon Jesus, to walk with God, to overcome the world, to hope against hope, to trust the Lord when we cannot trace him, and to know that our duty and privilege consist in these things, may be readily acknowledged or quickly learned; but, upon repeated trial, we find that saying and doing are two things. We think at setting out that we sit down and count the cost; but alas! our views are so superficial at first, that we have occasion to correct our estimate daily. For every day shows us some new thing in the heart, or some new turn in the management of the war against us which we were not aware of; and upon these accounts, discouragements may arise so high as to bring us (I speak for myself) to the very point of throwing down our arms, and making either a tame surrender or a shameful flight. Thus it would be with us at last, if the Lord of hosts were not on our side…. But if He is the Captain of our salvation, if his eye is upon us, his arm stretched out around us, and his ear open to our cry, and if He has engaged to teach our hands to war and our fingers to fight, and to cover our heads in the day of battle, then we need not fear, though a host rise up against us; but, lifting up our banner in his name, let us go forth conquering and to conquer; Rom. 16:20." 

Joseph, Planning and God's Will

I'll propose. She'll say, "yes!" Then, I'll head back to my parents' house to add on some rooms for our own home. She'll prepare whatever she needs to prepare to be my wife. We'll be married. I'll continue my carpentry business here in town. She'll be a great little Homemaker and hopefully SAHM soon. Perfect! I've got it all worked out. 


{Okay, I know Joseph probably didn't think exactly like that, but I'm sure he had some kind of plan in mind. Scripture says he was a just man who "considered" things, so I'm sure he was prudent and thoughtful in his decisions. Getting married is a pretty big decision.}


Joseph has his plan all thought-out, and then: "...before they came together she was found to be with child..." 


{Oh dear. I'm not a historian, but I'm sure that was frowned-upon in his culture, but after a night of divine visitation, he decides to keep Mary and the growing baby.}


All right. So, the girl I'm about to marry is pregnant. Not only is she pregnant, but she's carrying the Messiah, the Savior we've been anticipating for thousands of years, the Son of God! No pressure. I can handle this...I need to go chop something...


{If I had been Joseph, these would have been my thoughts: I can't believe you'd put all this on us! We can't handle something this! Why have you done this? Everything was going fine, and now, what are we suppose to do?! Still, God isn't done. Joseph's plans are crumbling to pieces, and God is still pounding into them.}

"In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration when Quirinius was governor of Syria. And all went to be registered, each to his own town. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child."


{My first thought when I read this was, "Seriously, Lord?!" Then I wondered if Joseph complained or got frustrated with this new situation. Not only was he about to marry a pregnant girl and be the adoptive parent of God's Son, he's also go to pack up and journey 70 miles on foot with a super-pregnant fiancé sitting on a donkey.}
_______


We don't know for certain what Joseph was thinking and feeling through all of this, but we do know a few things:

• He was a just man. (Matt. 1:19)
• He wasn't hasty in decision-making. (Matt. 1:20)
• He believed Gabriel's message. (Matt. 1:24)
• He obeyed the message. (Matt. 1:24)

May Joseph be an example to God's children. Christians, we must be thoughtful and patient in making decisions, and when God says to do something, we must obey. 

No matter how random and arbitrary or terrifying and humiliating God's will may be, He is a good and loving Father. He only calls us to what is most glorifying to Him. Strangely enough, what glorifies Him is always good for us, whether we believe it or not.

This post was inspired by today's Advent reading, Luke 2:1-7. This and other readings are chronicled here. 

Small Group & Psalm 51

Our church is made up of Small Groups. Ideally, these are groups of 10-15 people that meet in a home each week and are together for about a year. We eat together, discuss the Word and pray together, (guys with guys and ladies with ladies). I love my SG dearly.

For a while I've been in a rather sad place. I've been disobedient to the Lord, lazy, lethargic and just plain rebellious. I can relate to the Psalmist who wrote, "Before I was afflicted I went astray..." SG has been good for me in this time, though. Even if we're all struggling, we still meet and just confess our sins and pray. It's selfish, but for me it is helpful to know I'm not alone in my struggles.

Last night was an especially sweet time for me. As a whole group we made a lengthy list of things we want God to do in our own lives, in the lives of those around us, at church and in the rest of the World.

How beautiful it was to see that we all struggle with similar things--laziness, selfishness, pride. We want the same things for those around us--healing, jobs, salvation. We have great desires for our church and its leadership--stay simple, follow the Spirit's leading, shepherd their families well. For the rest of the world we want to see slavery abolished, closed countries opened to the Gospel and perseverance for believers under persecution.

We printed our lists and split into 2's and 3's to pray. We had only a little time, so we only prayed for ourselves. It was so liberating! My partner and I chose our top three struggles (mine: laziness, no desire for things of God, obedience). Then, we prayed for one another, hard and with great earnest. We prayed, sitting on my bed with the dogs and folded clothes. We prayed and prayed, confessed sin and prayed some more. How freeing!

I don't know what God is doing in our SG, but I know that last night felt like Revival for me. Now, I must be praying that it lasts and that it spreads.

I received a text message from one of the girls in SG early this morning. She read Psalm 51 this morning and was amazed to see how pertinent it is for our SG. She's going to be praying verses 10 and 12 for everyone in our little group.

Revival may be coming.


"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me...
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit."
(Psalm 51:10 and 12 ESV)

From the Lord to Us to Caleb.

There is a hierarchy of obedience in the Bible.

• God is at the top. 
• He gives commands to His children. 
• Believing parents must obey them. 
• Those same parents, in turn, give commands to their children.
• Their children, in turn, must obey them. 

All these commands are given in love and filled with grace. Both God and parents know their children will not always be obedient and must always go to the Savior for grace.

"...the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus..."
(Paul, Romans 3:22-24 ESV)

(Also, since God reigns at the top, both parents and children are responsible for obeying Him above anyone else.)

All this said, I'm quite the hypocrite.

I do not obey God, and then I become angry when He disciplines me. At the same time, I do not hesitate to expect obedience from Caleb and discipline Him when he is disobedient.

Becoming a mom has revealed so much about myself. Mostly, I've seen the great deal of sin in my heart and my own great need of a Savior. (Both of which are incredibly humbling but so, so good.)

No matter what Mormons or Muslims or moral atheists say, we can't ever be good enough. We may be squeaky clean on the outside, being good and polite and nice, but our hearts are always stained with the dirt and grime of sin.

“Woe to you...hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."
(Jesus, Matthew 23:27-28 ESV)

Is there any hope? For parents? Children? Any of us?

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! ...There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."
(Paul, Romans 7:24-8:2 ESV)

Blogs-To-Go (6.30.11)

Don't Waste Your Life
Pastor John Piper, again, pleads with us not to waste our lives on the American Dream.


Below is the official music video for Lecrae's song Don't Waste Your Life created by Desiring God.

100 Best Movie Lines in 200 Seconds
I guessed "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," would be on there. It is. 


The Pain of Loneliness
Excellent article revealing how technology doesn't help us truly connect with others.
"Instead of meeting one person face-to-face, we send thousands of e-mails to hundreds of people. But the frantic nature of our online socializing is an attempt to numb the pain of loneliness."


Jesus Eats with His Enemies
Christians, we are called to love our enemies, because we were once God's enemies, and He has loved us immensely. (see Ephesians 2)


A or B
Wonderful post about all the choices us Jesus-lovin' Mommies have to make every...single...day.


Buzz and Woody as Tough Guys
If you love Toy Story (or all Disney-Pixar movies!) as much as I do, this will make you smile. 

God is always faithful. No. Seriously.

Long story short--I've been quite self-absorbed lately, not even in a Ooh-I'm-super-special way. It's been more of a Woe-is-me-I'm-a-bad-Christian sort of way. (I've learned self-absorbtion in any form is destructive and idolatrous.)

Well, after my post about my lack of faithfulness, God spoke through random blogs.

What?!

Well, I read this first and felt that God said, "This is for you."

Then I read this and was reminded that obedience is what God expects. (He also gives the grace needed to obey.)

Lastly, I skimmed this and realized that I am just being lazy and disobedient.

It may sound silly, but I'm baking muffins for our new neighbors tomorrow. It's small, but it's a start. Jesus said to love our neighbors as ourselves. Well, my self loves muffins; perhaps, theirs do too!

Faithful with a Little?

Since last summer I've had this continuous aching in my heart to do something. I don't know what. I just know the feeling.

While at a conference last July, God laid orphans and immigrants on my heart. Since earlier this year the homeless have become a semi-continual thought. Now, I see this conference in September and my heart painfully aches to go.

I don't know what to do. I haven't been faithful with little. Why do I expect to become faithful if given more? I've barely spoken to my neighbors, much less gone to the other side of town (or the world) to serve people.

Top Ten Tuesday--Worthy Organizations

Want to change the world but don't know where to begin? Here are a few places to get your heart praying and your mind thinking.

1. World Vision Sponsor or give to children from around the globe.
2. Invisible Children Help keep children from becoming soldiers.
3. Show Hope Adopt an orphan!
4. Samaritan's Purse Give to children and families throughout the world.
5. Compassion International Sponsor more children from around the globe!
6. Blood Water Mission Give clean water to people who don't have any.
7. Acts 29 Network Help plant churches in the US and abroad.
8. Desiring God International Help translate DG resources into all different languages.
9. Not For Sale Campaign Help end human trafficking.
10. ReachLife Help take the gospel to the ghetto. 

What organization would you add to the list?

“Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house, when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?"
(Isaiah 58:6-7)

This post is linked up to Top Ten Tuesday at OhAmanda!

Blogs-To-Go (6.8.11)

Prison Food vs. School Food
I went to public school for 12 years and taught for 4. Unfortunately, I was surprised at this.

Quiet Time Performance
Thankful that pastors write honestly about their own struggles. Makes them real people to us layfolk and encourages us.

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
Book review of one of my all-time faves!

Memorable Wedding Dress
Beautiful and well...memorable.

From Which Shall I Drink?

I have a choice to make every day, even every moment: Will I drink from the Fountain of Living Waters or from broken vessels that can't hold any water?

What do I know about fountains?

• A fountain is fed by a continuous stream of water.
• Its water is doesn't stagnate, because it's always moving.
• The water is fresh and clean and tastes delicious. 
• The water quenches one's thirst.
• It doesn't accumulate nasty critters that the eye can't see. 
• It's beautiful to watch and relaxing to hear.
• It isn't man-made.
• It helps animals, people and plants to grow and thrive.

What do I know about broken cisterns?

• A cistern is sometimes a jar to carry water in. If it's broken, then all the water pours out. 
• Sometimes a cistern is a well dug into the ground to hold water. If it's not filled in well, it'll leak.
• It's like a reservoir with a broken dam.
• It's usually man-made and man-broken, but not always.
• If there is any water, it becomes stagnate and not worth much. It can only grow organisms no one wants in his body.

Today, I've had and will have decisions to make. Will I drink and be satisfied from the Fountain of Living Waters? Or will I lift a broken cup to my mouth to drink, finding nothing or only drops of unclean water? 

Be appalled, O heavens, at this;

be shocked, be utterly desolate,

declares the LORD,

for my people have committed two evils:

they have forsaken me,

the fountain of living waters,

and hewed out cisterns for themselves,

broken cisterns that can hold no water.

(Jeremiah 2:12-13 ESV) 

If God is the Fountain of Living Waters, then as His child, I can drink and drink and drink, being filled up, my soul's thirsts wholly satisfied. 

Not everyone has this opportunity. Some are still slaves to the thirst with only broken containers laying around them.

Mrs. Erven, drink up! Children of God, drink up!

Goodbye, Baby Weight!

A mommy friend once told me, "It took you almost a year to get to the size you are now. Give yourself a year to get back down." Fair enough. I got pregnant. Gained weight over almost 10 months, and then lost only 1o-ish of it when Caleb was born. I have a good bit of "Baby Fluff" left to be rid of.


Also, I'm an extremist. I go from prideful to self-pitiful in no time, and lately, my weight has kept me on the pitiful end of the spectrum. I finally broke down and asked my hubby to help me. Neither of us are in the best shape of our lives, so both of us will benefit from this.

Recent Changes at Erven Manor

• Hubby's in charge of grocery shopping. (This means: lots of protein and veggies, and adiós to Nutella and breads and Hot Wings with skin and and apple juice and... Just typing that sentence made me sad.)
• Hubby dictates what I do at the gym. (This means: 3 days of weight training, 2 days of cardio and 1 day of yoga. Did I mention that I loathe weight training and love yoga? I enjoy weight lifting as I enjoy watching ugly paint dry.)
• Hubby dictates what I drink. (This means: I'm going to be sick of water. I mean...I'm going to be well hydrated.)

Allowing my husband to rule over these areas of my life for a while may make him sound like a dictator. It isn't like that. I've asked him to do this for me, because I am not exactly the most self-motivated person. 


However. If Caleb needs to sleep, no matter what it costs me, he's asleep. If my hubby says no, no matter what I lose, I obey him. (He's a reasonable guy. Trust me.) If I forget my reusable bags, I'm heading back to the car to get them. Mr. Erven made the point that I'll do whatever I need to do when it comes to what I'm convinced is important. He made me realize that I can be motivated and determined. I simply have to be convinced that the end result is far worthier than the temporary satisfaction. 


So, here I am on Day 1 of Goodbye, Baby Weight. This is me believing that the end result of healthiness and confidence is far more satisfying than Nutella or Zaxby's wings. No, really, Mrs. Erven. It's true. 


So far, so good. Mrs. Erven, it's not even 8am. Hey! Don't discourage me! I can do this, dang it!

Almost Walked Away. Almost.

I can only recall nearly walking away from Jesus a couple of times since He drew me to Himself in 2002.

For a while, like the waves of the sea, I was tossed back and forth between two worlds. I honestly thought I was manic depressive.

Being a Christian was brand new to me and the slavery of certain sins wasn't. I'd known and loved those sins for years. So there I was, blown to and fro between wanting to love and obey Jesus and loving the slave master I'd been with so long. (You'd think I would have wanted to be free, but I didn't even know I was in bondage.)

One morning in college, I remember looking at my Bible on my dorm bed, and thinking, I'm done. This is too difficult. I can't do it. Saddened but determined to quit, I walked to the Education Building for my first class. I got a bagel and an OJ and went to pay.

Mrs. Mary was working that morning, and I glanced at her little Flip-Calendar-of-Bible-Verses next to the cash register. That day's page read, "Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the LORD!" (Lamentations 3:40)

Ouch. I was humbled to the dust. It made me smile, though, because I saw that God wasn't going to let me get far in my rebellion.
____

Well, for the past few days I've been thinking. Thinking about my struggles, my problems, my inabilities, my this, my that. Notice a trend?

I've been thinking: I'm such a hypocrite. I live two lives. One life loves Jesus and wants others to know His love. The other is just comfortable and wants to sit and play-on-the-computer her way to heaven, just like everybody else. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just live the American Dream and go to church, than really live what I believe. It's just too much.


This morning I woke up late. Again. I wanted to sleep and let Donny take care of Caleb. Again. I didn't want to read the Bible. I didn't want to think on eternal things or pray or smile or even speak a kind word. I was tired, and I wanted to do whatever I wanted to.

So. I did my duties and kept my thoughts to myself.

I took care of Caleb, offered to fix coffee for Donny and began working on something for our pastor. (It's amazing how easy it is to do Christian stuff without any desire or Christ-compelled-motivation.)

As I read through the file he sent and edited things for the Preacher Man, I read: "God calls believers to a very different kind of life as His children, a life unlike the lives around us. Being different is not easy. It is easy to drift away from the life of radical faith in Christ...Is this a struggle of your own?"

Seriously, Lord? Seriously? My heart broke. I didn't even get to walk anywhere!

As frustrating as it can be to want to walk away from the Lord and not be able to, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. He never forsakes His own, and He won't allow them to forsake Him either.

My heart was painfully hard when I woke up this morning, but God is faithful. "...I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:26, emphasis mine)

My heart has been made pleasantly soft now, and I don't want to walk anywhere that my Lord isn't.

"After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:66-69)

Blogs-To-Go (5.23.11)

Do Not Sit in the Seat of Scoffers

Denny Burk gives believers some food-for-thought on how to respond to this weekend's Non-Rapture.

For Tired Moms

This blog belongs to Responsible Puppet's wife. Enjoy!

Call It What God Calls It

Short but convicting article on confessing sin, not the symptoms of it.

I will not blog in anger.

But it will be difficult.

King Solomon once wrote, "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." (Proverbs 10:19 ESV) In this case, I'll be prudent and restrain my fingers.

I googled that Camping guy to find out how his followers are doing the Sunday after the Non-Rapture. I saw how his organization is $80 million richer. I immediately thought of an Old Testament prophecy from Ezekiel:

"And her prophets have smeared whitewash for them, seeing false visions and divining lies for them, saying, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD,’ when the LORD has not spoken. The people of the land have practiced extortion and committed robbery. They have oppressed the poor and needy, and have extorted from the sojourner without justice." (Ezekiel 22:28-29 ESV)

My heart filled with (hopefully) righteous indignation. I could feel heat inside my chest and face.

Part of me wants to rejoice that God will have His vengeance. That is sinful and unmerciful and nothing like Jesus. If I were in his shoes, I'd desire mercy and compassion and forgiveness, not justice.

The other part of me want to pray that God kindly shows Camping his sin and lovingly draws him to repentance. That's what I  want from God for myself--loving kindness that leads to repentance.

I'm off to write in my journal a prayer. Well, really two prayers--one for Camping's heart and the other for my own.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

(Ephesians 4:31-5:2 ESV)

Okay, Pastor Paul. I'll do that. No, God will do that in me.

I got scared.

The week before Mother's Day my blog was linked by Emily at Redeemed Reader. The blog held a contest, Moms with Blogs, and I mentioned Diaper Diaries and my blog got listed, as well.

Wow, that was an incredibly long sentence.

It scared me. Silly, though it may sound, it really scared me. I thought, Oh no. Blogging for my audience of three is fine. I don't know that I actually want other people, people I don't know, reading this. What if it's dumb? What if it's lame and people think ugly things about me? What if I write something heretical? (From whence that last question came, I have no clue.)

I told my hubby, and he was excited about my blog being mentioned and just smiled when I told him my fears. He said that if I am really determined to blog consistently and for a wider audience, perhaps we'll look into getting my own domain name. What?!

I'm all confused. I have no idea what to do. Currently, I blog so sporadically, and there are already plenty of SAHM bloggers who love Jesus. Who wants another one?

Meh. I'm being cynical. I just need to pray and trust the Lord to tell us what to do. "Trust and obey, for there's no other way..."