Top Ten Tuesday

I recently discovered Amanda and her fancy schmancy blog. I'm linking up to her Top Ten Tuesdays, and today's list for me is:

Top Ten Things that Terrify Me

1. Arachnids. 

I blame this fear on watching Arachnophobia when I was little. What dad thinks that's a good movie to show his daughter?! Yes, anything with 8 or more legs gives me nightmares and throws me into a nice little panic attack. (I guess this category should included centipedes and millipedes, but I don't know the fancy name for them.) 

2. Tornadoes 

I blame this fear on watching Terrible Tuesday in second grade. That movie was horrifying. I've had nightmares of tornadoes ever since, and second grade was a very long time ago. (In my dreams, however, I usually save everyone. That's a plus.)

3. Chainsaws

Again, I blame this on another movie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (Notice a pattern? I don't think my parents really thought through the possible effects of media on children.) Just the sound of a chainsaw makes my heart race. Yes, I know. When you go through a haunted house or haunted maze, the costumed-terrors don't have real chains on the the chainsaws. Yes. I know. That doesn't make it any less scary. 

4. Not Dying Well

I'm not afraid of death. Death is wonderful! Death is gain. Heaven. Jesus. God in all His glory forever! However, dying is frightening. I'm afraid of pain, because I'm pitiful and weak, and I'm afraid of not dying well. I don't want to draw up into myself and my suffering and dishonor God. All of us are going to die. I want to die well.

5. Hot Dog Guy or Garden Center Man Dying 

HDG is healthy. GCM is...Well, he's surviving. Neither of them are physically sick. I will have a difficult time with their deaths; however, because neither of them know the Lord. They've both openly rejected salvation repeatedly, and I care about both of them dearly.
I know, theologically, that those who die without salvation are dying a just and reasonable death. However, theology in my head doesn't always sooth the pain in my heart. I know God can still change their hearts. I just want to see it happen. I want to rejoice with them when they see their need for a Savior and humble themselves before the Lord to receive mercy and forgiveness and grace.

6. People, Lots of People

I get really anxious and nervous amidst a crowd of people, even if I know everyone. I like small groups of people, with whom I can hold conversation without the fear of too many eyes looking at me at once. Having Caleb has been helpful. I'm afraid of church and going shopping, but he takes most of the attention away from me. (Silly. I know.) 

7. Embarrassment

One reason I'm so afraid of large groups of people is that there are more people to see me do or say something dumb. I'm not exactly the most graceful person, my mouth makes too many words and I get flustered easily. To my chagrin, all those wonderful characteristics create a muddled soup of terror for me. 

8. Divorce

This one has grounds in my family. I can't think of anyone in my family that is a Christian and happily married to his/her first love. (My bio-mom and her hubby almost count. Same for my hubby's dad and wife. Almost) That could be depressing. 

My hubby and I are not above sin, so it is possible that one of us may walk away from the Lord and the other. I have no reason to fear this, though. We're doing everything to fight for our marriage while it's young and thriving, so that when it's old, it'll still be thriving. It's a slow fade, divorce. It can be avoided, long before the word is spoken.

9. Being Tickled

Don't ask. I just hate, hate, hate being tickled. When I see someone on a movie strung up in a creepy guy's dungeon, I think, Oh! God, I don't think I could handle that. I can't even sleep with my arms above my head, for fear that my hubby may accidentally run his hand past my underarm. Ah! I hate it!

10. Losing My Little Man

Caleb's such a wonderful, great gift, and I love him so much. It would devastate me to lose him. That would be a heart-wrenching desert in my walk with the Lord. How parents go through something like that and still walk in faith and love Jesus, I hope to never know firsthand. 

___________

I'm a pretty fearful person. Thankful that my fears do not dictate reality. They are subject to God and His Word. They are not lord of my life. 

These were in no particular order.

Thanks for reading. For more Top Ten Tuesday entries from other Mommy Bloggers, visit: Oh Amanda!

Oh, dear.

I've blogged about all the things I'm afraid of. This is at the top of the list. If my hubby lets this happen, even if Caleb has a license and a bike, I may cry. Okay, probably not. I will be nervous, though.

I got scared.

The week before Mother's Day my blog was linked by Emily at Redeemed Reader. The blog held a contest, Moms with Blogs, and I mentioned Diaper Diaries and my blog got listed, as well.

Wow, that was an incredibly long sentence.

It scared me. Silly, though it may sound, it really scared me. I thought, Oh no. Blogging for my audience of three is fine. I don't know that I actually want other people, people I don't know, reading this. What if it's dumb? What if it's lame and people think ugly things about me? What if I write something heretical? (From whence that last question came, I have no clue.)

I told my hubby, and he was excited about my blog being mentioned and just smiled when I told him my fears. He said that if I am really determined to blog consistently and for a wider audience, perhaps we'll look into getting my own domain name. What?!

I'm all confused. I have no idea what to do. Currently, I blog so sporadically, and there are already plenty of SAHM bloggers who love Jesus. Who wants another one?

Meh. I'm being cynical. I just need to pray and trust the Lord to tell us what to do. "Trust and obey, for there's no other way..."

Wait, I thought I was supposed to only be a SAHM?

Last month, I blogged about a strange feeling I had. I felt I should sell all my possessions and give to the poor. I haven't exactly done that. I'm married and can't simply sell our stuff or give it away.

Scripture is the only thing set in stone, not my strange feeling that may or may not be from the Lord. Scripture says that I'm to obey and submit to my husband, and that is what I must do. (Ephesians 5; Colossians 3; 1 Peter 3) Therefore, I've talked to my hubby about my feelings and urge to live simpler and give away what we don't need. That's as far as I can go right now.

Disclaimer: I am convinced that God is sovereign and there are no coincidences. Everything happens for God glorifying reasons and somehow fits into a grander picture than I can see. However, I've been offered a job, and it seems completely random to me.

With this job, I could work from home. It isn't time consuming. It includes social media, which I love. It also includes blogging, which may fall under "social media." I'm not sure. It would be extra income. There may be health insurance. I may be able to use my love of Jesus, teaching children, couponing, homemaking, educational technology, literature... I don't know exactly what all I may be able to use.

Now, I think back to the urge lately to give to the poor. Perhaps, God is using this random job opportunity to give us what we need to give away.

More money means more to give. More to give means more ways to reach the least of these. Reaching the least of these means serving Christ in a tangible way. Serving Christ in a tangible way reaps beautiful everlasting rewards. Everlasting rewards mean a heart filled with all the treasures found in God. All the treasures found in God satisfy a soul completely!

Tomorrow I'll be tidying up my resumé, (It has lain dormant in our attic for nearly 5 years.) and answering interview questions. At first, I was terrified and unsure about whether to even accept the job offer. However, God showed me in His Word recently that He'll take care of me in this venture, and so here I am: A SAHM who may be venturing into the world of Social Media, only to see what the Lord would have us do with the money. What?! 



[Jesus said,] “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
(Luke 12:32-34 ESV)


"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
(Psalm 16:11 ESV)

Tornado Warning

Background: I'm terrified of a lot of things: spiders, too many people in one room, being looked at, centipedes, car accidents, being tortured, scorpions, and Mother Nature. No, I don't think of earth as a "Mother," but it's the easiest way to list tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, volcanoes...without having to do it. (That was counter productive.)


At 4:15 this morning, we're hit by a serious thunderstorm. I'm up, out of bed, dressed, glasses, hair up in 1 minute. Off to check the weather online. Praise the Lord for laptops!


Tornado warning?! Everyone into the closet!


Caleb is four and a half months old and has only been woken up (purposely), maybe, twice. He looked completely dazed. 


Here were his thoughts on the matter: 
Wow. Mommy's here. It's too early to get up. Where are we going? Nice. These speakers are excellent. The thunderstorm on my iPhone sounds so realistic. Why are we in the closet? Am I really awake? Hey, Uncle Jimmy. Ooh, I want to touch Sophie. Why are we still sitting here? This is weird. I'm not sure I've ever been in this closet...


If only we'd taken a photo. 


Most beautiful thing? It took him, maybe, 7 minutes to go back to sleep. (He only sleeps in his crib, and we don't rock him anymore.) 


Hopefully he'll stay this way. Mommy and the dogs may be freaking out, but I'm just chillin'. 


Caleb totally believes Psalm 4:8. "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." 


P.S. This storm makes me thankful, incredibly thankful that I am no longer under God's wrath. If a thunderstorm is this frightening and destructive, I cannot begin to imagine God's holy anger against a person. "Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed."
(Romans 2:4, 5 ESV)

Ode to Being a Mommy

Not really. I don't think I even know what an ode is.

Well, all my fears were lived out. From induction to c-section. All the unknowns that terrified me were part of my 15 hour production, and I survived. Plus, we have an incredibly prize for all of our work.

We arrived at the hospital around 8pm. Hospital policy: All pregnant ladies must ride in a wheelchair. (Slightly humiliating. They do know that pregnant women aren't sick or broken, right?) Then, into our room-put on the open-backed gown, get in the IV, hook on the bracelets, hear lots of information that you can't remember, and get into the bed.

In goes the cytotec, and my water breaks at 2am. That's when the contractions get very noticeable. Oh my, did they get noticeable. However, beginning as they did made the pain more easily manageable. The progression wasn't terrible. Plus, my hubby was right there with me, helping me manage my pain and relax.

Pitocin began around 5 am. Not as horrible as I anticipated, because my nurse began the drip at a low level. It wasn't "0 to suck in like 30 minutes" as I expected. No complaint there.

Labor is progressing well. Expectation is Caleb should arrive around lunchtime. The midwife on-call came by at one point. She was not what I expected or desired for labor. Lunchtime comes, and I haven't dilated enough.

Later, same verdict. For many more hours, same verdict-not yet at 10 cm. Stayed at 9.5 cm for a couple of hours. One little part of my cervix wouldn't cooperate.

Finally, I reach 10 cm. The midwife is called and takes 45 minutes to get here. All the while, she doesn't want me to push. Horrible, horrible pain. Excruciating pain. At least, that's what I assume, since I remember saying repeatedly to my hubby and our nurse, "Please. I can't do this anymore. He's not coming." Contractions are rough, but when you are able to push, there's relief.

After pushing for about an hour and a half, the midwife checks me and sees that Caleb is: turned sideways and too far back to be turned manually. She calls the doctor. (I've never seen this man before in my life, and I had hoped I never would.) He makes the call: "This baby isn't coming, and we need to do a c-section....words...mumble...jumble...words." I didn't listen or care.

I was numb at that point. I felt like dying and couldn't respond to anyone. My hubby would say, "I love you." I just sat there. The nurses would ask a question, and I could only nod or shake my head. I didn't feel like I'd failed as a mom, but I was hurting and terrified and wanted them to just get Caleb out.

Spinal anestesia, a sterile white room with bright lights and blue colored barriers everywhere, everyone in scrubs including my hubby, and Caleb was here in 15 minutes.

I needed to blog my story before it all faded into my memory. God is smart. (Understatement.) Women have hormones that help us forget all the pain. Otherwise, no one would ever procreate more than once. The one thing I hope doesn't ever fade is the sound of Caleb's first cry. It was the most beautifully heart-breaking sound.

They took him from my belly, and I heard his little whimpering cry. I burst into tears. I had never heard a more perfect sound. I couldn't see him, and my hubby was called over to cut his umbilical cord. It was lonely on my side of the blue barrier. Soon, though, my hubby brought him to me, and I got to kiss his little face and smell him. Oh, perfect bliss!

I was taken to a room to recover, and my hubby went to the nursery to help prepare Caleb to come to our room, and we've been learning to play "family" ever since.

All this is the physical rundown of what happened yesterday. Soon I'll need to blog the emotions. Perhaps, tomorrow. I'll have time, since there's a nursery here who can take care of Caleb whenever it's needed.

As I think back on what we'd planned and hoped for, and how nearly everything that could go wrong, did, I think of what King Solomon wrote: The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. (Proverb 16:9) We planned and prepared, and God's path was different than ours. It was His perfect will that prevailed, and somehow it's for our good and to His glory.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

(Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV)

So is this what the garden felt like?

And [Jesus] said to [his disciples], “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.” And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

(Mark 14:34-36)

I cannot empathize with a king. I have no idea what it's like to be glorious and majestic, seated on a throne. I cannot imagine being the Eternal King of heaven and giving up Your glory, Your throne, Your God-ness to come down to earth and die.

I cannot empathize with a homeless man. I always have food and a home and clean clothes to wear. I cannot imagine being the Eternal King come down to be born in a cow trough, homeless, hated by most, pursued unto death, especially death on a cross.

From my vantage point, I could not help or counsel or even sympathize with Jesus as He cried and prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. Yet, the opposite is true. Because Jesus suffered tremendously before going to His death, He empathizes with me.

Tonight will be spent at the hospital. They'll give me a cervical softener every four hours while we wait. Our hope is that it will cause my body to begin labor on its own, so that no induction is needed. Otherwise, they'll induce me early Thursday morning.

I'm afraid of the drugs and the hospital atmosphere and the pressure to "speed things up." I'm afraid of the pain and being unable to bear it, since Pitocin is brutal. I'm afraid of possibly having a C-section.

I'm sad because I wanted to labor at home for a while. I wanted Caleb to come on his own and not be "forced" out. However, I have to trust the midwife. (It's Vicki, and I don't really even know her.) I'm sad to leave the puppies here alone all night. I'm sad that this just isn't turning out like I planned.

So I go to Jesus. He wept and prayed and wept and prayed that He wouldn't have to go to the cross. "And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.'"

He was terrified. Of the excruciating pain? Of the humiliation? Of the unknown? All of it? He was sad. Because so many people would still reject salvation? Because Judas had to fulfill the OT scriptures? I don't know these answers. I only know that he was afraid and hurting.

My God can empathize with me. "For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers..." (Hebrews 2:10-11)

He left all His eternal glory to know exactly what it's like to be human. He empathizes with me in my fear and doubt and uncertainty. Yet, He shows me how to be afraid and unsure without sinning. "Not as I will, but as you will."

Lord, these next few days may be a cross for me to bear. They may be everything I fear or not. (Jesus knew He had to fulfill God's written will. Nothing's written about my labor and delivery. All may turn out differently.) So Father in heaven, I pray with Jesus, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." I can look to the (hoped but not promised) prize on the other side of this--a little baby boy, and endure the pain. Lord, give me sufficient grace. Remind me in the morning that your mercies are new every day. I love you and will walk with you through anything. In Jesus' holy and empathetic Name, Amen.

"...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1b-2)

Tornado Watch Until 11-No Walking with Carrie C.

Short rundown: Caleb's fine. Non-stress test said so. Teeny bit of dilation as of last Tuesday. Just waiting now. No reason he won't come, other than he's content and in no rush. Today at 3:30 I have another appointment. If I'm not in labor by then, they'll schedule an induction.

That last word terrifies me. In my mind there's a list of pro's and con's to being induced. Other than the chance of Caleb staying in my belly too long, the risks far outweigh the pro's. I don't know what to do.

I was praying this morning about all of this-my fears and uncertainties surrounding labor and delivery. I was confused, because God's Word says to not trust in man, but without a clear answer from the Lord, I only have people to trust-my midwives and doctor.

So here I am, walking by faith. This afternoon, I'll schedule my induction for the latest possible time this week. Perhaps Caleb will make his appearance before then. Right now, I'm making a list of Scriptures for Donny to read to me during labor and delivery to help me focus and relax. I don't want anymore interventions than necessary from others.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:8-10