Sarah, Jeremiah and Solomon

A beautiful siren once confessed, "Everything changes / Everything falls apart / Can't stop to feel myself losing control / But deep in my senses I know / How stupid could I be / A simpleton could see / that you're no good for me..."


A suffering prophet once observed, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)


A wise king once commanded, "Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well." (Proverbs 5:15)


The grass is never greener. Our hearts will lie to us, tempting us to find satisfaction in the forbidden ones. Drink deeply from your own well, your own husband or wife. Do not be led astray; you'll only be left to die of thirst. 

What if the Bible isn't True.

My pastor writes a short study each week to help prepare us for the next sermon.* It gets his people in the Word each day and has been very helpful in my life.

Yesterday, the question was asked in the study: What happens to the Gospel if the Bible isn't true? I sat and thought for a while, and my heart hurt.

The Gospel completely falls apart if the Bible isn't really God's Inerrant Word. Everything that Christians are banking this life and the next on is a lie or at the very least a mistake.

The Gospel is that God loves His children so much that He dies for them, so that they will be holy. They're freed from slavery to sin, freed from God's wrath and given victory over death and hell. They have His Spirit with them in this life and live with God forever in the next. All because of Jesus.

But if Jesus wasn't who He said He was, and the Bible isn't what It says It is. We truly are to be pitied above all men.

All that crumbles in my life if the Bible isn't true:

• my marriage
• hope in the face of death
• my parenting
• my personal worth
• my decision-making
• how to steward our money
• why I exist
• how and why I love others
• compassion for the marginalized

Nothing is eternal. Nothing is everlasting. It's all fleeting and has little purpose beyond today. 

My Hubby and I are banking our entire lives on the Gospel, and It is true. It is the real, life- and heart-changing Truth that gives meaning, purpose and freedom to our lives. 

It may sound sad to wrap our lives up in something so tightly. But we all do it. We all worship something. If one thinks about her life, she may realize what she worships may not last much longer. Only a relationship with God through Jesus brings eternal satisfaction.

"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

'Death is swallowed up in victory.'

'O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?'

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

(1 Corinthians 15:54-57)

*I understand this fear: If your pastor is writing the sermons and dictating what you study in the Bible, then he may lead you astray. Yes, that is true. Cults are run this way. However, we're at liberty to read and study the Bible through any pastors or studies that we feel are helpful. This just keeps our church simple and has everyone on the same page. 

From Which Shall I Drink?

I have a choice to make every day, even every moment: Will I drink from the Fountain of Living Waters or from broken vessels that can't hold any water?

What do I know about fountains?

• A fountain is fed by a continuous stream of water.
• Its water is doesn't stagnate, because it's always moving.
• The water is fresh and clean and tastes delicious. 
• The water quenches one's thirst.
• It doesn't accumulate nasty critters that the eye can't see. 
• It's beautiful to watch and relaxing to hear.
• It isn't man-made.
• It helps animals, people and plants to grow and thrive.

What do I know about broken cisterns?

• A cistern is sometimes a jar to carry water in. If it's broken, then all the water pours out. 
• Sometimes a cistern is a well dug into the ground to hold water. If it's not filled in well, it'll leak.
• It's like a reservoir with a broken dam.
• It's usually man-made and man-broken, but not always.
• If there is any water, it becomes stagnate and not worth much. It can only grow organisms no one wants in his body.

Today, I've had and will have decisions to make. Will I drink and be satisfied from the Fountain of Living Waters? Or will I lift a broken cup to my mouth to drink, finding nothing or only drops of unclean water? 

Be appalled, O heavens, at this;

be shocked, be utterly desolate,

declares the LORD,

for my people have committed two evils:

they have forsaken me,

the fountain of living waters,

and hewed out cisterns for themselves,

broken cisterns that can hold no water.

(Jeremiah 2:12-13 ESV) 

If God is the Fountain of Living Waters, then as His child, I can drink and drink and drink, being filled up, my soul's thirsts wholly satisfied. 

Not everyone has this opportunity. Some are still slaves to the thirst with only broken containers laying around them.

Mrs. Erven, drink up! Children of God, drink up!

Tornado Warning

Background: I'm terrified of a lot of things: spiders, too many people in one room, being looked at, centipedes, car accidents, being tortured, scorpions, and Mother Nature. No, I don't think of earth as a "Mother," but it's the easiest way to list tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, volcanoes...without having to do it. (That was counter productive.)


At 4:15 this morning, we're hit by a serious thunderstorm. I'm up, out of bed, dressed, glasses, hair up in 1 minute. Off to check the weather online. Praise the Lord for laptops!


Tornado warning?! Everyone into the closet!


Caleb is four and a half months old and has only been woken up (purposely), maybe, twice. He looked completely dazed. 


Here were his thoughts on the matter: 
Wow. Mommy's here. It's too early to get up. Where are we going? Nice. These speakers are excellent. The thunderstorm on my iPhone sounds so realistic. Why are we in the closet? Am I really awake? Hey, Uncle Jimmy. Ooh, I want to touch Sophie. Why are we still sitting here? This is weird. I'm not sure I've ever been in this closet...


If only we'd taken a photo. 


Most beautiful thing? It took him, maybe, 7 minutes to go back to sleep. (He only sleeps in his crib, and we don't rock him anymore.) 


Hopefully he'll stay this way. Mommy and the dogs may be freaking out, but I'm just chillin'. 


Caleb totally believes Psalm 4:8. "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." 


P.S. This storm makes me thankful, incredibly thankful that I am no longer under God's wrath. If a thunderstorm is this frightening and destructive, I cannot begin to imagine God's holy anger against a person. "Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed."
(Romans 2:4, 5 ESV)

I will remember the deeds of the LORD.

I read the Bible, and I see God's faithfulness to His people everywhere. The Old Testament is covered in His loving pursuit of Israel, even in their open defiance. The New Testament brings in Jesus to fulfill God's "Special Rescue Plan" as Caleb's Bible reads. All throughout history God's been faithful to His children. He still is, even now, in a small subdivision in South Georgia.

(Most of this list shows God's faithfulness to provide financially, because of my hubby's job loss. We've been paying extra close attention.)

• Got WIC two days before Donny was laid off. The appointment had been scheduled for months. 
• Applied and was approved for a credit card for emergencies a few days before Donny lost his job. If we had waited, we'd have had no income. No income = no credit card. (We know that a credit card is dangerous water, but it's paid for the dogs' vet bill, grooming, and some groceries. We are treading thoughtfully.) 
• Hubby's former employer gave us two extra weeks of pay PLUS an extra month of health insurance. 
• During our extra month of insurance, Caleb had his four-month checkup at the Pediatrician's office. 
• The day before our insurance ran out, Caleb had his one-and-only physical therapy appointment. (PT said he'll need to come back in a month, but she won't charge us to check up on him.) 
• A part of Caleb's head is flat, so the PT said to let him sit in a Bumbo or exersaucer. Got both of these from my cousin just a couple of weeks ago. 
• $200 was left in our mailbox inside an envelope that read, "We love you." From whom? We know not.
• Family and friends have been extremely generous. They've bought us food and Caleb formula. They've given us gift cards, babysat for free, and hired Donny to work. 
• We are receiving assistance to pay the last of our hospital bills, possibly all of it.
• One of my besties has the same eye prescription as me. She usually wears her glasses, so she has given me months and months worth of contacts.
• We have just enough money to pay our bills for April.
• With our Tax Return we were able to give to our church AND MTWJapan. 

I'm sure that God has done immeasurably more than this, but this is what we've noticed. We do have small eyes.

In response to what God's done for us, I say with Asaph: "I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work and meditate on your mighty deeds [...and] tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might, and the wonders he has done." (Psalm 77:11-12; 78:4b)

Ode to Being a Mommy

Not really. I don't think I even know what an ode is.

Well, all my fears were lived out. From induction to c-section. All the unknowns that terrified me were part of my 15 hour production, and I survived. Plus, we have an incredibly prize for all of our work.

We arrived at the hospital around 8pm. Hospital policy: All pregnant ladies must ride in a wheelchair. (Slightly humiliating. They do know that pregnant women aren't sick or broken, right?) Then, into our room-put on the open-backed gown, get in the IV, hook on the bracelets, hear lots of information that you can't remember, and get into the bed.

In goes the cytotec, and my water breaks at 2am. That's when the contractions get very noticeable. Oh my, did they get noticeable. However, beginning as they did made the pain more easily manageable. The progression wasn't terrible. Plus, my hubby was right there with me, helping me manage my pain and relax.

Pitocin began around 5 am. Not as horrible as I anticipated, because my nurse began the drip at a low level. It wasn't "0 to suck in like 30 minutes" as I expected. No complaint there.

Labor is progressing well. Expectation is Caleb should arrive around lunchtime. The midwife on-call came by at one point. She was not what I expected or desired for labor. Lunchtime comes, and I haven't dilated enough.

Later, same verdict. For many more hours, same verdict-not yet at 10 cm. Stayed at 9.5 cm for a couple of hours. One little part of my cervix wouldn't cooperate.

Finally, I reach 10 cm. The midwife is called and takes 45 minutes to get here. All the while, she doesn't want me to push. Horrible, horrible pain. Excruciating pain. At least, that's what I assume, since I remember saying repeatedly to my hubby and our nurse, "Please. I can't do this anymore. He's not coming." Contractions are rough, but when you are able to push, there's relief.

After pushing for about an hour and a half, the midwife checks me and sees that Caleb is: turned sideways and too far back to be turned manually. She calls the doctor. (I've never seen this man before in my life, and I had hoped I never would.) He makes the call: "This baby isn't coming, and we need to do a c-section....words...mumble...jumble...words." I didn't listen or care.

I was numb at that point. I felt like dying and couldn't respond to anyone. My hubby would say, "I love you." I just sat there. The nurses would ask a question, and I could only nod or shake my head. I didn't feel like I'd failed as a mom, but I was hurting and terrified and wanted them to just get Caleb out.

Spinal anestesia, a sterile white room with bright lights and blue colored barriers everywhere, everyone in scrubs including my hubby, and Caleb was here in 15 minutes.

I needed to blog my story before it all faded into my memory. God is smart. (Understatement.) Women have hormones that help us forget all the pain. Otherwise, no one would ever procreate more than once. The one thing I hope doesn't ever fade is the sound of Caleb's first cry. It was the most beautifully heart-breaking sound.

They took him from my belly, and I heard his little whimpering cry. I burst into tears. I had never heard a more perfect sound. I couldn't see him, and my hubby was called over to cut his umbilical cord. It was lonely on my side of the blue barrier. Soon, though, my hubby brought him to me, and I got to kiss his little face and smell him. Oh, perfect bliss!

I was taken to a room to recover, and my hubby went to the nursery to help prepare Caleb to come to our room, and we've been learning to play "family" ever since.

All this is the physical rundown of what happened yesterday. Soon I'll need to blog the emotions. Perhaps, tomorrow. I'll have time, since there's a nursery here who can take care of Caleb whenever it's needed.

As I think back on what we'd planned and hoped for, and how nearly everything that could go wrong, did, I think of what King Solomon wrote: The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. (Proverb 16:9) We planned and prepared, and God's path was different than ours. It was His perfect will that prevailed, and somehow it's for our good and to His glory.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

(Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV)

Only a few minutes

This will be more like a status update than a real entry.

Got some breakfast at my favorite breakfast place. Went out to the park to be alone for a while. Spent some serious time in prayer, singing, flipping through the Psalms, and sitting in silence before the Lord.

As I waited to hear from God, I was given three things: a picture, a Scripture, and a phone call.

a. I saw a baby's face in my mind.

b. I rediscovered Psalm 59:9-10,

"O my Strength, I will watch for you,

for you, O God, are my fortress.

My God in his steadfast love will meet me;

God will let me look in triumph on my enemies."

c. I received a phone call from a friend whose circumstances haven't been what she expected, either. She called in tears to tell me, if there's anything she's learned from me is God's sovereignty in ALL things. She was able to see God's hand in her situation and wanted to remind me to do the same. We are children of a faithful and loving Father.

I walked around the track for a few more minutes and thanked God for His faithfulness. Shortly thereafter, I literally felt more calm and at peace. Literally felt like a burden had been lifted from my body and soul.

Have my circumstances changed? No sir. May I still be induced? Possibly. Could this be a seriously crushing trial? Maybe. Is God still the faithful Everlasting Rock in whom my heart can trust? Absolutely.

"These sufferings, this passing tide
under Your wings I will abide,
and every enemy shall flee;
You are my hope and victory.

Praise the Father, Praise the Son.
Praise the Spirit, Three in One.
Clothed in power and in grace
the name above all other names."

~Chris Tomlin

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock." ~Hebrew prophet Isaiah