Sarah, Jeremiah and Solomon

A beautiful siren once confessed, "Everything changes / Everything falls apart / Can't stop to feel myself losing control / But deep in my senses I know / How stupid could I be / A simpleton could see / that you're no good for me..."


A suffering prophet once observed, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)


A wise king once commanded, "Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well." (Proverbs 5:15)


The grass is never greener. Our hearts will lie to us, tempting us to find satisfaction in the forbidden ones. Drink deeply from your own well, your own husband or wife. Do not be led astray; you'll only be left to die of thirst. 

So far? Only two weeks.

Since our wedding, seven years ago, the longest time my hubby and I have been apart was two weeks. In a couple of months, that will change.

My hubby has accepted a job overseas that will take him away for a year. He'll have a couple of "leaves," but over all, he'll be working in the sand for a long while. The Toot and I will not be going with him. We will be home in the States, learning how to rely solely on the Lord.

I'm going to be stretched, there's no doubt. I can't begin to think of how much I depend on the Hubby. Changing the AC filters, fixing wifi, taking the car to be serviced, fixing anything that breaks, weed eating (I mow, but I'm terrible at weed eating.), and so many other "Honey Do" chores. I am now thoroughly convinced that God's word for this year is diligence.

These next two months, before he leaves, are going to be so difficult. I want to make the best of our time together, but I'm so nervous and afraid and trying not to burst into tears. None of that makes for a great time.

Here's to trusting the Lord and knowing (if only in my mind) that He's faithful and good and loving and trustworthy and omnipresent.


"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the LORD, 'My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.'”
(Psalm 91:1,2 ESV)

P.S. For any creepers who may stumble across this post: We have two very well-functioning house alarms, and there will be few nights that I won't have someone sleeping over. Just sayin'.

Reading Old Stories

I don't always want to sit back up in bed and pray before going to sleep. I don't always want to get up before Caleb does and read the Bible. I don't always want to go to Small Group and talk about all the things I "don't always want to" do. 


I don't always have a passion for the things of God. Honestly I'm quite self-absorbed and love sleep and Facebook and my own comfort far, far too much. However, God has been gracious to give me stories--biographies and autobiographies of the saints who've gone before me, living and dying well.


This idea is taken from Pastor John Piper: "Living theology. Flawed and encouraging saints. Stories of grace. Deep inspiration. The best entertainment. Brothers, it is worth your precious hours. Remember Hebrews 11. And read Christian biography."


When I read about the saints from the Bible or history, I'm encouraged and challenged and a fire, though still small, is ignited in my soul. I see their God and how He provided and withheld, gave and took away, and then I see their love and faithfulness toward Him in all of it. (It is quite encouraging to see them not always so faithful, as well.) 


Some who've inspired me:

• Sarah Edwards, SAHM and wife of Jonathan Edwards
• Dr. Helen Roseveare, medical missionary to the Congo
• Gladys Aylward, missionary board reject who saved 100+ orphans in China
• Darlene Deibler Rose, young bride and missionary to New Guinea during WWII
• Martin Luther King, Jr., pastor and great Civil Rights leader
• Harriet Tubman, Moses to the slaves of the Underground Railroad
• Elisabeth Elliot, missionary wife who ministered to the murderers of her husband

I'm reminded that I am the daughter of the same God who gives and takes away, but Who is always working for my good and His glory. He can be always trusted and deserves to be worshipped and cherished in my little ordinary life. 


I'm spurred on toward "love and good deeds." I see my need for the Bible and prayer and community. My heart is softened and made happy again. Reading the stories of the old saints makes me want to know God intimately as they did. Such sweet, sweet fellowship.


One more thing, Sara Groves has a song that renews my desire for God by reminding me of those who've gone before us. It's titled When the Saints. Look it up on iTunes. (I couldn't find a worthy video to imbed.)



    "And all these [saints], though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect.
     Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." 
(Hebrews 11:39-12:2, emphasis mine)


This post is linked up at We are THAT Family and at Women Living Well. 

Almost Walked Away. Almost.

I can only recall nearly walking away from Jesus a couple of times since He drew me to Himself in 2002.

For a while, like the waves of the sea, I was tossed back and forth between two worlds. I honestly thought I was manic depressive.

Being a Christian was brand new to me and the slavery of certain sins wasn't. I'd known and loved those sins for years. So there I was, blown to and fro between wanting to love and obey Jesus and loving the slave master I'd been with so long. (You'd think I would have wanted to be free, but I didn't even know I was in bondage.)

One morning in college, I remember looking at my Bible on my dorm bed, and thinking, I'm done. This is too difficult. I can't do it. Saddened but determined to quit, I walked to the Education Building for my first class. I got a bagel and an OJ and went to pay.

Mrs. Mary was working that morning, and I glanced at her little Flip-Calendar-of-Bible-Verses next to the cash register. That day's page read, "Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the LORD!" (Lamentations 3:40)

Ouch. I was humbled to the dust. It made me smile, though, because I saw that God wasn't going to let me get far in my rebellion.
____

Well, for the past few days I've been thinking. Thinking about my struggles, my problems, my inabilities, my this, my that. Notice a trend?

I've been thinking: I'm such a hypocrite. I live two lives. One life loves Jesus and wants others to know His love. The other is just comfortable and wants to sit and play-on-the-computer her way to heaven, just like everybody else. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just live the American Dream and go to church, than really live what I believe. It's just too much.


This morning I woke up late. Again. I wanted to sleep and let Donny take care of Caleb. Again. I didn't want to read the Bible. I didn't want to think on eternal things or pray or smile or even speak a kind word. I was tired, and I wanted to do whatever I wanted to.

So. I did my duties and kept my thoughts to myself.

I took care of Caleb, offered to fix coffee for Donny and began working on something for our pastor. (It's amazing how easy it is to do Christian stuff without any desire or Christ-compelled-motivation.)

As I read through the file he sent and edited things for the Preacher Man, I read: "God calls believers to a very different kind of life as His children, a life unlike the lives around us. Being different is not easy. It is easy to drift away from the life of radical faith in Christ...Is this a struggle of your own?"

Seriously, Lord? Seriously? My heart broke. I didn't even get to walk anywhere!

As frustrating as it can be to want to walk away from the Lord and not be able to, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. He never forsakes His own, and He won't allow them to forsake Him either.

My heart was painfully hard when I woke up this morning, but God is faithful. "...I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:26, emphasis mine)

My heart has been made pleasantly soft now, and I don't want to walk anywhere that my Lord isn't.

"After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:66-69)

I will remember the deeds of the LORD.

I read the Bible, and I see God's faithfulness to His people everywhere. The Old Testament is covered in His loving pursuit of Israel, even in their open defiance. The New Testament brings in Jesus to fulfill God's "Special Rescue Plan" as Caleb's Bible reads. All throughout history God's been faithful to His children. He still is, even now, in a small subdivision in South Georgia.

(Most of this list shows God's faithfulness to provide financially, because of my hubby's job loss. We've been paying extra close attention.)

• Got WIC two days before Donny was laid off. The appointment had been scheduled for months. 
• Applied and was approved for a credit card for emergencies a few days before Donny lost his job. If we had waited, we'd have had no income. No income = no credit card. (We know that a credit card is dangerous water, but it's paid for the dogs' vet bill, grooming, and some groceries. We are treading thoughtfully.) 
• Hubby's former employer gave us two extra weeks of pay PLUS an extra month of health insurance. 
• During our extra month of insurance, Caleb had his four-month checkup at the Pediatrician's office. 
• The day before our insurance ran out, Caleb had his one-and-only physical therapy appointment. (PT said he'll need to come back in a month, but she won't charge us to check up on him.) 
• A part of Caleb's head is flat, so the PT said to let him sit in a Bumbo or exersaucer. Got both of these from my cousin just a couple of weeks ago. 
• $200 was left in our mailbox inside an envelope that read, "We love you." From whom? We know not.
• Family and friends have been extremely generous. They've bought us food and Caleb formula. They've given us gift cards, babysat for free, and hired Donny to work. 
• We are receiving assistance to pay the last of our hospital bills, possibly all of it.
• One of my besties has the same eye prescription as me. She usually wears her glasses, so she has given me months and months worth of contacts.
• We have just enough money to pay our bills for April.
• With our Tax Return we were able to give to our church AND MTWJapan. 

I'm sure that God has done immeasurably more than this, but this is what we've noticed. We do have small eyes.

In response to what God's done for us, I say with Asaph: "I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work and meditate on your mighty deeds [...and] tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might, and the wonders he has done." (Psalm 77:11-12; 78:4b)

...one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.

• March 9: I chose to limit my use of FB and blogs to give my heart and mind a break from so much stimulation.

• March 18: Scripture Memory for Brittany and me is Psalm 63:1-2. "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory." 

• March 21: While praying for Japan I feel God say to my heart, "Sell your possessions and give to the poor."

• March 22: Luke 12:33-34 is part of my daily reading. "Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." 

• March 24: Blogged through some of the mixed signals that we send to our children about loving God more than all other things. 

• March 25: Similar mixed signals were discussed in Shepherding a Child's Heart, page 46.

I journaled through of all of this, and here's my current, rather sandy conclusion. God is calling me to: 

1. thirst and faint for Him in a way that I never have.
2. sacrifice all the clutter that vies for my affections and attention.
3. sell whatever I must and give to the poor.
4. find my treasure in heaven and in God alone.

so that I "glorify God and enjoy Him forever," and send only that message to Caleb. 

After all this, I open my Bible to pray through Psalm 146. (It's where I am in reading through the Psalms.) The Psalmist writes that God "executes justice for the oppressed," "gives food to the hungry," and that "The LORD watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless..." 

Then I turn to the Gospels to read. I'm currently in Luke 14. 

I read in Jesus' Parable of the Wedding Banquet: “A man once gave a great banquet and invited many. And at the time for the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, ‘Come, for everything is now ready.’ But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, ‘I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it. Please have me excused.’ So the servant came and reported these things to his master. Then the master of the house became angry and said to his servant, ‘Go out quickly to the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in the poor and crippled and blind and lame.’ And the servant said, ‘Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.’ And the master said to the servant, ‘Go out to the highways and hedges and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled." 

Then, Jesus says, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple...So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple. 

Salt is good, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is of no use either for the soil or for the manure pile. It is thrown away. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” 

Reading and praying through all of this, I know that God is calling me to renounce and sacrifice whatever I must in order to love and treasure Him above all things.

Now what?

Father, Your will be done in my life as it is in heaven. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

"Thou changest not. Thy compassions they fail not."

Finished feeding Caleb and wanted a few minutes away with the Lord before heading back to sleep.

I wrote a love note to my hubby and placed it near the door. Then, I made some hot cocoa and curled up on the sofa with my journal and Bible. I had a portion of two songs stuck in my mind. One of which I could hardly remember the right lyrics. I wrote them in my journal as I prayed, and then listened to the songs.

Beth Moore calls these moments GODstops, because it's like God is saying, "Stop! Look what I'm doing in your life right now!"

The two songs' lyrics that I could remember went as follows:
"...chiseled...carving idols of stone
have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves...
All the [pennies] I've wasted in my wishing well..."

"He's always been faithful to me."

Couldn't remember the title of the first song. The second song's title is the same as the lyric above. Between the two songs I saw a theme: God dashes our idols to the group and washes them away, because He's always faithful to us. Those idols will never satisfy and give us what we need or what our soul's desire, only He will. Therefore, His loving faithfulness sweeps those empty pitchers out from under our parched lips and sweeps us under His waterfall of Living Water. (John 4)

Well, to gather all this together: I found the first song on my iTunes. The title, Faithful to Me. Some may call it coincidence, but I think it's God saying, "Stop! Remember this: I'm always faithful to you. I'll dash anything to the ground that draws you away from me. I love you! I satisfy your soul as nothing else can!"

Both songs are of God's faithfulness, smashed up in my mind, and I didn't even know it. Sweet, sweet intimate reminders of a faithful and personal God. It's wonderful that God is faithful, but it's extra-wonderful that He personally reminds His children with little times like these.

Faithful to Me by Jennifer Knapp (Kansas Album, 1998)

He's Always Been Faithful to Me by Sara Groves

He's always been faithful to me.

It's always fun to begin a new journal, and this year I was able to begin one at the first of the year. I was challenged by Passion to choose one word for the year, one word that I felt God wanted me to experience this year. I "sat before the Lord" for a while, praying and asking for His one word that He had for me. I prayed and sat and waited and listened. The word that came to mind was change.

After that time with the Lord and journaling a bit, I listened to the song "Hallelujah" by Bethany Dillon and wrote some of the lyrics in the front of my journal.

"Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Whatever's in front of me,

help me to sing Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Whatever's in front of me,

I'll choose to sing Hallelujah!"

In light of all this, God was faithful. (Imagine that.) So much did change this year, and that song was a great reminder throughout this year.

-We got pregnant in February.

-I quit my job.

-My hubby graduated from college.

-I faced many of my fears rather than running from them.

-Nothing about labor and delivery went as planned.

-Health insurance was more than $1000 a month for a while.

-My hubby didn't have a job for months and was suddenly hired at a wonderful place.

What's funny about all this. I took a few moments just now to read through some of my journal entries. The whole time I was praying about this word change, I was assuming God meant for me to change. From January 23, "Father, is change the word You have for me? I believe it is, but I haven't really prayed or fasted or lived it out. I've been just like last year..."

However, coming to the end of the year, I look back and see that God meant for change to come to my life and lots of it. At the same time, I think I've changed, too.

A few months ago I stumbled upon the book, Secure in the Everlasting Arms by Elisabeth Elliot. A recurring theme of the book is, "Do the next thing." She emphasizes how Christians become more like Jesus in our everyday lives. We aren't to spend our lives concerned with sanctification and all that the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts. (Most of that we can't understand anyway.) We're to spend our lives glorifying God by enjoying and obeying Him.

Just "do the next thing." Sweep the floor. Sing a song. Kiss my hubby. Take the pups for a walk. Hold my baby. Clean the toilet. Buy the groceries. Serve my hubby. Feed my baby. Speak kindly to my enemy. Call my mother-in-law. Feed the doggies.

Through doing these ordinary things, sanctification comes. The Holy Spirit works in my life as I'm obedient to God's will for my life. I don't have to chase down change. It doesn't come in the super-spiritual stuff. Change happens while I'm just doing the next thing. I have seen this played out this year.

I'm becoming more patient as I wake up to feed Caleb. I'm becoming more empathetic as I pray and cry for Lauren, because her hubby's deployed. I'm praying more, because there isn't much else to do during 1:30 a.m. feedings. I'm praying for Caleb, friends, family, myself... I'm learning to trust the Lord as things don't turn out how I'd planned. I'm learning humility as my baby fat stays longer than I'd like, clothes don't fit, friends bring us food, and buy formula and diapers for us. I'm learning to love the unlovely as family members hurt one another, and I can only pray and show kindness.

So from January to December, tons of things have changed--inside and out. What a painfully rewarding year this has been. God showed Himself faithful to keep His promise, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5) I can trust this upcoming year to Him, because I know He'll always be faithful to me.

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!" ~Psalm 115:1