This is About You and Me.

"Keep a jealous watch over your repentance. Keep it up—keep it up, and let not the fire burn low. Whenever you find a slackness coming over your soul—whenever you feel slow, dull, heavy, cold, and careless about little sins—look to your own heart then, and take heed lest you fall. Say to your soul, 'Oh, my soul, what are you doing? Have you forgotten David’s fall? Have you forgotten Peter’s backsliding? Have you forgotten David’s subsequent misery? Have you forgotten Peter’s tears? Awake, O my soul, awake once more. Heap on fuel, make the fire burn bright. Return again to your God, let your repentance once more be lively. Let your repentance be repented over again.' Alas, how few are the hours in a Christian’s best days when he does not make work for repentance!" ~J.C. Ryle

An unrepentant heart filled with small sins will soon find the disastrous ones a little more gray.

"Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." ~Proverbs 28:13

Love:Hate

I have a love-hate relationship with Small Groups.

Why I love Small Groups: We pray for one another.
Why I hate Small Groups: In order for others to pray for me, I must confess my sins to them.

How humiliating...er...um....humbling it is to be in a Small Group. It is also liberating, to confess your sins to another sinner.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16 ESV)

Healing Begins Video Journal

Joyful Diligence?

So this is me. In my natural state. I would sit and rot my life away with a book or sleeping or eating. I do not kid myself that I'm inherently diligent or self-motivating or any such nonsense.

Also, I spend most of my time feeling guilty and beating myself up. Not a fun ride.

Sit. Read. Sit some more. Nap. Feel fat. Need to get up. No, I don't feel like getting up. Sit some more. Feel worse. I'll try again tomorrow.

Wake up. New day! Well, I'm always lazy, so why even try. Thus begins the cycle. Again.

This is life for me. Allow me to confess some sins to you: I'm excruciating lazy and selfish and feel quite entitled to do whatever I want. (Being a SAHM makes for a comfortable breeding ground for these sins.)

But God is a good Dad. He doesn't just sit by and let His children live in the filth they've always known. God is love, and that is not loving.

After some "coincidences" recently, I'm convinced that God wants me to step up and fight to be diligent in all areas of my life. (Yes, this is something that should be a given. For me, it hasn't been. Now, stop judging me.)

So here they are: my goals for 2012. They're big, but I've spent some time writing down how to practically live them out. (Those details would be different for everyone, so I won't give them.)

• Personal: Eat healthy, sleep responsibly and exercise daily.
• Walk with God: Seek satisfaction in God alone and fight for joy.
• Family: Love and serve my family with joy.
• Home: Work diligently, as for the Lord and not my hubby.
• Ministry: Joyfully pour my life out for the women and children I serve. 

Yes. They sound like your average Christian To-do List, but none of these things are easy for me. I have to fight to do them. I want to do them, but I just don't.

Here's to a new year and a hope in God's sufficient grace that produces change.

P.S. Please note that I'm seeking to all of this with joy, another attribute that doesn't come naturally. Like, at all. 

Small Group & Psalm 51

Our church is made up of Small Groups. Ideally, these are groups of 10-15 people that meet in a home each week and are together for about a year. We eat together, discuss the Word and pray together, (guys with guys and ladies with ladies). I love my SG dearly.

For a while I've been in a rather sad place. I've been disobedient to the Lord, lazy, lethargic and just plain rebellious. I can relate to the Psalmist who wrote, "Before I was afflicted I went astray..." SG has been good for me in this time, though. Even if we're all struggling, we still meet and just confess our sins and pray. It's selfish, but for me it is helpful to know I'm not alone in my struggles.

Last night was an especially sweet time for me. As a whole group we made a lengthy list of things we want God to do in our own lives, in the lives of those around us, at church and in the rest of the World.

How beautiful it was to see that we all struggle with similar things--laziness, selfishness, pride. We want the same things for those around us--healing, jobs, salvation. We have great desires for our church and its leadership--stay simple, follow the Spirit's leading, shepherd their families well. For the rest of the world we want to see slavery abolished, closed countries opened to the Gospel and perseverance for believers under persecution.

We printed our lists and split into 2's and 3's to pray. We had only a little time, so we only prayed for ourselves. It was so liberating! My partner and I chose our top three struggles (mine: laziness, no desire for things of God, obedience). Then, we prayed for one another, hard and with great earnest. We prayed, sitting on my bed with the dogs and folded clothes. We prayed and prayed, confessed sin and prayed some more. How freeing!

I don't know what God is doing in our SG, but I know that last night felt like Revival for me. Now, I must be praying that it lasts and that it spreads.

I received a text message from one of the girls in SG early this morning. She read Psalm 51 this morning and was amazed to see how pertinent it is for our SG. She's going to be praying verses 10 and 12 for everyone in our little group.

Revival may be coming.


"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me...
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit."
(Psalm 51:10 and 12 ESV)

Top Ten Tuesday--What I'm Missing While Watching TV

My hubby and I didn't watch much TV, that is, until this past month. We watched all the seasons of Lost and have nothing eternally (or even temporally) significant to show for it. Plus, we missed a lot of our lives during this time.

What I'm Missing While Watching TV

10. Reading

Very little has been read in this house lately. No novels, fiction, biographies, news...

9. Adequate rest

We go to bed late. We watch TV too late. It messes up our sleep rhythms. Then, we wake up late and feel rushed all day. 

8. Family Worship

We've never been consistent with family worship, but I love when we talk about the Word and how It's affecting our lives. It makes me happy to "make a joyful noise" with my hubby. (My voice emphasizes "joyful noise," but he plays the guitar and sings beautifully.)

7. Family time

If we spend time watching TV while Caleb's asleep, then we have to get stuff done while he's awake. (TV is off-limits to him.) Our selfishness takes away from time that could be spent with the Little Man, Chewy and Sophie. 

6. Housework

Again, if we spend time watching TV, then the house begins to slowly unravel. As manager of this home, the responsibility falls on me to keep it ordered. I've been less than diligent in this area. 

5. Conversations

My hubby doesn't like to talk during movies; it's the same with TV shows. I can't pay attention to anything but a colorful screen when one's on, so there's no use trying to hold a conversation with me, anyway.

4. Date Night

The few we've had lately have been in the living room in front of...you guessed it!

3. Sex

Well...we get to bed too late and are both exhausted.

2. Time in the Word and prayer

If my relationship with my hubby begins to wan, this relationship is also affected. I miss Him, but I'm ashamed of my wasted time. (Thank you, Small Group ladies for your encouragement in this area!)

1. Three ENTIRE days of our lives

Yep. My hubby did the math. By watching every season of this show, we literally wasted three-24 hour days of our lives. Can't ever get those back.

From this we've concluded that we won't be watching much TV in the future. Please don't tell us about a new show we should watch; we'll kindly decline. We are choosing other ways to spend our lives. 

"A mind fed daily on TV diminishes. Your mind was made to know and love God. Its facility for this great calling is ruined by excessive TV. The content is so trivial and so shallow that the capacity of the mind to think worthy thoughts withers, and the capacity of the heart to feel deep emotions shrivels." ~Pastor John Piper, Don't Waste Your Life

This post is linked up to Top Ten Tuesday at OhAmanda.

Goodbye, Baby Weight!

A mommy friend once told me, "It took you almost a year to get to the size you are now. Give yourself a year to get back down." Fair enough. I got pregnant. Gained weight over almost 10 months, and then lost only 1o-ish of it when Caleb was born. I have a good bit of "Baby Fluff" left to be rid of.


Also, I'm an extremist. I go from prideful to self-pitiful in no time, and lately, my weight has kept me on the pitiful end of the spectrum. I finally broke down and asked my hubby to help me. Neither of us are in the best shape of our lives, so both of us will benefit from this.

Recent Changes at Erven Manor

• Hubby's in charge of grocery shopping. (This means: lots of protein and veggies, and adiós to Nutella and breads and Hot Wings with skin and and apple juice and... Just typing that sentence made me sad.)
• Hubby dictates what I do at the gym. (This means: 3 days of weight training, 2 days of cardio and 1 day of yoga. Did I mention that I loathe weight training and love yoga? I enjoy weight lifting as I enjoy watching ugly paint dry.)
• Hubby dictates what I drink. (This means: I'm going to be sick of water. I mean...I'm going to be well hydrated.)

Allowing my husband to rule over these areas of my life for a while may make him sound like a dictator. It isn't like that. I've asked him to do this for me, because I am not exactly the most self-motivated person. 


However. If Caleb needs to sleep, no matter what it costs me, he's asleep. If my hubby says no, no matter what I lose, I obey him. (He's a reasonable guy. Trust me.) If I forget my reusable bags, I'm heading back to the car to get them. Mr. Erven made the point that I'll do whatever I need to do when it comes to what I'm convinced is important. He made me realize that I can be motivated and determined. I simply have to be convinced that the end result is far worthier than the temporary satisfaction. 


So, here I am on Day 1 of Goodbye, Baby Weight. This is me believing that the end result of healthiness and confidence is far more satisfying than Nutella or Zaxby's wings. No, really, Mrs. Erven. It's true. 


So far, so good. Mrs. Erven, it's not even 8am. Hey! Don't discourage me! I can do this, dang it!

Almost Walked Away. Almost.

I can only recall nearly walking away from Jesus a couple of times since He drew me to Himself in 2002.

For a while, like the waves of the sea, I was tossed back and forth between two worlds. I honestly thought I was manic depressive.

Being a Christian was brand new to me and the slavery of certain sins wasn't. I'd known and loved those sins for years. So there I was, blown to and fro between wanting to love and obey Jesus and loving the slave master I'd been with so long. (You'd think I would have wanted to be free, but I didn't even know I was in bondage.)

One morning in college, I remember looking at my Bible on my dorm bed, and thinking, I'm done. This is too difficult. I can't do it. Saddened but determined to quit, I walked to the Education Building for my first class. I got a bagel and an OJ and went to pay.

Mrs. Mary was working that morning, and I glanced at her little Flip-Calendar-of-Bible-Verses next to the cash register. That day's page read, "Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the LORD!" (Lamentations 3:40)

Ouch. I was humbled to the dust. It made me smile, though, because I saw that God wasn't going to let me get far in my rebellion.
____

Well, for the past few days I've been thinking. Thinking about my struggles, my problems, my inabilities, my this, my that. Notice a trend?

I've been thinking: I'm such a hypocrite. I live two lives. One life loves Jesus and wants others to know His love. The other is just comfortable and wants to sit and play-on-the-computer her way to heaven, just like everybody else. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just live the American Dream and go to church, than really live what I believe. It's just too much.


This morning I woke up late. Again. I wanted to sleep and let Donny take care of Caleb. Again. I didn't want to read the Bible. I didn't want to think on eternal things or pray or smile or even speak a kind word. I was tired, and I wanted to do whatever I wanted to.

So. I did my duties and kept my thoughts to myself.

I took care of Caleb, offered to fix coffee for Donny and began working on something for our pastor. (It's amazing how easy it is to do Christian stuff without any desire or Christ-compelled-motivation.)

As I read through the file he sent and edited things for the Preacher Man, I read: "God calls believers to a very different kind of life as His children, a life unlike the lives around us. Being different is not easy. It is easy to drift away from the life of radical faith in Christ...Is this a struggle of your own?"

Seriously, Lord? Seriously? My heart broke. I didn't even get to walk anywhere!

As frustrating as it can be to want to walk away from the Lord and not be able to, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. He never forsakes His own, and He won't allow them to forsake Him either.

My heart was painfully hard when I woke up this morning, but God is faithful. "...I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:26, emphasis mine)

My heart has been made pleasantly soft now, and I don't want to walk anywhere that my Lord isn't.

"After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:66-69)

I will not blog in anger.

But it will be difficult.

King Solomon once wrote, "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." (Proverbs 10:19 ESV) In this case, I'll be prudent and restrain my fingers.

I googled that Camping guy to find out how his followers are doing the Sunday after the Non-Rapture. I saw how his organization is $80 million richer. I immediately thought of an Old Testament prophecy from Ezekiel:

"And her prophets have smeared whitewash for them, seeing false visions and divining lies for them, saying, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD,’ when the LORD has not spoken. The people of the land have practiced extortion and committed robbery. They have oppressed the poor and needy, and have extorted from the sojourner without justice." (Ezekiel 22:28-29 ESV)

My heart filled with (hopefully) righteous indignation. I could feel heat inside my chest and face.

Part of me wants to rejoice that God will have His vengeance. That is sinful and unmerciful and nothing like Jesus. If I were in his shoes, I'd desire mercy and compassion and forgiveness, not justice.

The other part of me want to pray that God kindly shows Camping his sin and lovingly draws him to repentance. That's what I  want from God for myself--loving kindness that leads to repentance.

I'm off to write in my journal a prayer. Well, really two prayers--one for Camping's heart and the other for my own.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

(Ephesians 4:31-5:2 ESV)

Okay, Pastor Paul. I'll do that. No, God will do that in me.

7 Days of Kindness: A Challenge in Words

I can't remember a time when I didn't talk too much. I got NI's on my report cards in elementary school with "talks excessively" circled in red. In middle school, I lost weight from talking on the phone instead of eating dinner. If I wasn't talking, I was writing. Note passing or blogging in high school, I was always communicating to others far more than necessary. 

I decided Thursday to take one week and only speak kind words kindly. That may sound redundant, but I can speak kind words and not speak them in a kind. I can can also speak kindly without saying kind things. 


What have I learned since Thursday? Allow me to type this in kind words: It is incredibly difficult for me to slow down and think and then speak kind words in a kind way. 


I like graphically organized information, so I'm going to begin a tally table of the following:

• the number of times I speak before thinking and am unkind
• times that I think or speak unkind words toward myself
• times I am tempted to speak rashly but don't

I know that God's brought me a long way since I became a Christian nearly ten years ago, and I know He'll continue changing me. This little challenge is a practical, tangible way to "work out my salvation." 

Some encouragement and exhortation:

"Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!" ~King David (Psalm 141:3)

"When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." ~King Solomon (Proverbs 10:19)

"But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander." ~King Jesus (Matthew 15:18-19)

Judas' Change of Mind

Last week, two ladies from a local religious cult came by to chat for a moment and invite us to a conference. They were very kind, and we talked for a few minutes. I've learned that these encounters are usually short and the visiting party rarely wants to actually have a conversation. (Perhaps, they're nervous. I know I would be.) For the next two paragraphs, I've given these ladies labels: Talker and Quiet One.


The strangest thing about the encounter was Talker's great interest in Judas Iscariot. She spoke about the Last Supper and how Judas wasn't there. I kindly said, "Actually. Judas was there. He was with them." (I don't know how long during the meal he was there, but he was there.) The other lady raised her eyebrows. Either, she was surprised that I said anything or surprised to hear he was there. 

Talker continued about how Judas wasn't there and was the only one of the Disciples who didn't participate in the Lord's Supper. Okay. Fair enough. My thought later, was, Why was that so important? Why, when there are many, many other much more eternally significant things to discuss, did she want to convince me that Judas wasn't at the Last Supper? I still don't know.


After that encounter I kept thinking about Judas Iscariot. 


This week was Holy Week, so I read through the last days of Jesus' life, as recorded in the Gospels. I read from The Last Supper to the Resurrection. Judas' betrayal is in all four narratives, but his aft-change-of-mind isn't. It's only in Matthew, and my heart broke reading it Monday. (I'm always amazed how God's Word pierces my soul differently, even though It never changes.)

"Then when Judas, his betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he changed his mind and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders, saying, 'I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.' [The chief priests and elders] said, 'What is that to us? See to it yourself.' And throwing down the pieces of silver into the temple, he departed, and he went and hanged himself. But the chief priests, taking the pieces of silver, said, 'It is not lawful to put them into the treasury, since it is blood money.' So they took counsel and bought with them the potter's field as a burial place for strangers." (Matthew 27:3-7) 


One aspect made my heart hurt, and another made my blood boil.


1. When he saw what he'd caused, he changed his mind and took the money back. 
I think of lyrics from the song Fall Back by Lecrae: "He will lead ya, leach ya, leave ya." Satan tempts us, leads us to the sin, sucks the life from us through the sin and then leaves us alone and emptier than before. After satan led to Judas sin, he then left him to wallow in what he'd done--all the guilt, self-pity, anger and all the other emotions that destroy us.


2. The chief priests respond with disdain and self-righteousness.
My heart burned with indignation when I read the priests' response to Judas: "What is that to us? See to it yourself." Judas comes, possibly in true repentance, to the only people he's convinced can justify him before God, and they do nothing. Not only do they do nothing, but they're blind to their intricate part in his sin. (Even now, my heart burns.) Judas is left to do the only thing he knows to do with his sin, destroy it and himself.

After a week in the Gospels and contemplating Judas Iscariot's heart, I still don't know if he repented. Was it godly sorrow? Was it worldly? Did it lead to true repentance or did Judas grieve like Esau? I don't know. I pray it led to repentance, and his story draws me to contemplate my many sins this Sabbath. 


Believers, our lives must be constant repentance, lest our hearts become hard. 


All this sounds so sad, but today is the anniversary of the Longest Day in History, at least for Jesus' friends and disciples, but tomorrow's Sunday. Just thinking about it makes me smile. 

and I've heard it a hundred times.

I've read this story. I've heard it pulled apart in sermons. I've been saddened by it before, but today this account just broke my heart.
  
...And a great crowd followed [Jesus] and thronged about him. And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, “If I touch even his garments, I will be made well.”


And immediately the flow of blood dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone out from him, immediately turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my garments?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’”


And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”
(Mark 5:24b-34 ESV, paragraph separation mine)

These words make my heart happy...

so I'm going to post them here for you.


"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.


But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.


For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

(Ephesians 2:1-10 ESV, paragraph division mine)

Perhaps better questions may be...

I was thinking the other day about all this I've been learning: sanctification comes through my daily life. The ordinary places are where the Holy Spirit works supernaturally. 


After summer or winter break, all the college students and other frolickers come back to town, and Small Group starts up again. It's wonderful to have everyone together again, and of course, the questions begin...


How was your break?
What'd you do?
Where'd you go?
How was your walk with the Lord?
Were you able to get in the Word?
Were you able to go to church on the weekends?
Etc...etc...


Those are all wonderful questions to ask. I genuinely want to know how their break went, and I know how hard it can be to keep "loving like Jesus" all those family members that can drive you insane.


However, since I've been seeing how I'm really changed through the dailiness of life, I think there may be a better question to ask, alongside all the other great inquiries.


Did you love and serve your family well?
If so, how?
If not, why not?
What made these things difficult/easy?
Do you need to repent of any actions words?
Do you need to be reconciled to anyone?


These are hard questions, but they are good, heart-issue questions. They bring together the spiritual disciplines (going to church, reading the Bible, fellowship with other believers...) with our outward behaviors (what we say, how we say it, how we spend our time, how we serve others...). 


Doing Christian stuff is hypocrisy if I spend the rest of my time serving myself, dishonoring others, and tearing others down with my words. However, doing Christian stuff is sincerity if I spend the rest of my time serving others, honoring others, and building others up with my words. 


(Disclaimer: I am not perfect and will sin again God and others. Repenting and being reconciled to them is not hypocrisy. It's recognizing who I am and that I'm continually in need of Jesus' work in my heart.)


I hope to spend some time tomorrow thinking through these questions for myself. When my Small Group ladies return, I hope to talk through these questions with them, as well. 

"Rather than seeing sanctification as a linear progression from bad to better, the Christian life is more accurately described circularly; we return again and again to the cross." ~Matt Johnson

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
~the Apostle Paul, letter to the Ephesians 4:1-3

He's always been faithful to me.

It's always fun to begin a new journal, and this year I was able to begin one at the first of the year. I was challenged by Passion to choose one word for the year, one word that I felt God wanted me to experience this year. I "sat before the Lord" for a while, praying and asking for His one word that He had for me. I prayed and sat and waited and listened. The word that came to mind was change.

After that time with the Lord and journaling a bit, I listened to the song "Hallelujah" by Bethany Dillon and wrote some of the lyrics in the front of my journal.

"Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Whatever's in front of me,

help me to sing Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Whatever's in front of me,

I'll choose to sing Hallelujah!"

In light of all this, God was faithful. (Imagine that.) So much did change this year, and that song was a great reminder throughout this year.

-We got pregnant in February.

-I quit my job.

-My hubby graduated from college.

-I faced many of my fears rather than running from them.

-Nothing about labor and delivery went as planned.

-Health insurance was more than $1000 a month for a while.

-My hubby didn't have a job for months and was suddenly hired at a wonderful place.

What's funny about all this. I took a few moments just now to read through some of my journal entries. The whole time I was praying about this word change, I was assuming God meant for me to change. From January 23, "Father, is change the word You have for me? I believe it is, but I haven't really prayed or fasted or lived it out. I've been just like last year..."

However, coming to the end of the year, I look back and see that God meant for change to come to my life and lots of it. At the same time, I think I've changed, too.

A few months ago I stumbled upon the book, Secure in the Everlasting Arms by Elisabeth Elliot. A recurring theme of the book is, "Do the next thing." She emphasizes how Christians become more like Jesus in our everyday lives. We aren't to spend our lives concerned with sanctification and all that the Holy Spirit is doing in our hearts. (Most of that we can't understand anyway.) We're to spend our lives glorifying God by enjoying and obeying Him.

Just "do the next thing." Sweep the floor. Sing a song. Kiss my hubby. Take the pups for a walk. Hold my baby. Clean the toilet. Buy the groceries. Serve my hubby. Feed my baby. Speak kindly to my enemy. Call my mother-in-law. Feed the doggies.

Through doing these ordinary things, sanctification comes. The Holy Spirit works in my life as I'm obedient to God's will for my life. I don't have to chase down change. It doesn't come in the super-spiritual stuff. Change happens while I'm just doing the next thing. I have seen this played out this year.

I'm becoming more patient as I wake up to feed Caleb. I'm becoming more empathetic as I pray and cry for Lauren, because her hubby's deployed. I'm praying more, because there isn't much else to do during 1:30 a.m. feedings. I'm praying for Caleb, friends, family, myself... I'm learning to trust the Lord as things don't turn out how I'd planned. I'm learning humility as my baby fat stays longer than I'd like, clothes don't fit, friends bring us food, and buy formula and diapers for us. I'm learning to love the unlovely as family members hurt one another, and I can only pray and show kindness.

So from January to December, tons of things have changed--inside and out. What a painfully rewarding year this has been. God showed Himself faithful to keep His promise, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5) I can trust this upcoming year to Him, because I know He'll always be faithful to me.

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!" ~Psalm 115:1