Sarah, Jeremiah and Solomon

A beautiful siren once confessed, "Everything changes / Everything falls apart / Can't stop to feel myself losing control / But deep in my senses I know / How stupid could I be / A simpleton could see / that you're no good for me..."


A suffering prophet once observed, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)


A wise king once commanded, "Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well." (Proverbs 5:15)


The grass is never greener. Our hearts will lie to us, tempting us to find satisfaction in the forbidden ones. Drink deeply from your own well, your own husband or wife. Do not be led astray; you'll only be left to die of thirst. 

Oh, Hezekiah.

Here's the story: Hezekiah is king of Judah. He's one of the few "good kings." God tells him he's going to die, so he begs humbly for his life. God agrees to give him more time.

Then, the King of Babylon hears that he's recovered, so he comes to visit. He not-so-humbly lets this king see everything he owns, all his treasures and...Well, all the stuff you don't let another king know you have.

He's rebuked by the prophet Isaiah for doing that and God tells him that one day all his stuff will belong to the king of Babylon and his sons will be his eunuchs. Here's his thoughtful response: "The word of the LORD that you have spoken is good.” For he thought, There will be peace and security in my days. (see Isaiah 39)
______


That last little bit always fills my heart with anger. How on earth could you be so selfish and self-centered and...I mentally continue angrily interrogating King Hezekiah. {It's oh-so helpful and accomplishes a lot.}

Tonight, I stopped my little mental rant and realized: Usually, the reason I get angry at someone for something, especially a sin, is because it's something I do. {i.e. I get super angry at prideful people who want to be right, because it inhibits my moment of being right.}

I sat for a few minutes and journaled through my thoughts. I was thinking King Hezekiah was filled with pride, selfishness and a love of comfort...

Dang it.

That last one got me. Ooh, right on the kisser.

If I struggle with any sin, and I struggle with many sins, worshipping myself is number one. And what better way to bow at my altar than to be sure I'm always super comfortable. I've sacrificed much time, love and many people on the altar of comfort.

I got nothing. No more throwing stones at King Hezekiah. I must walk away with my tail tucked while Jesus writes my name in the sand.

After being humbled to the dust, I am grateful for a few things in this:

• God always tells the whole truth about great "Bible heroes." 
• He's preserved their stories, so I can see my life through theirs.
• I don't have to hang my head in shame when I see my sin.

God's already paid the great cost of my pride and selfishness and idolatry. I'm free! Free to obey Him and follow Him and love Him above all, badly and inconsistently, but love Him just the same. 

Love:Hate

I have a love-hate relationship with Small Groups.

Why I love Small Groups: We pray for one another.
Why I hate Small Groups: In order for others to pray for me, I must confess my sins to them.

How humiliating...er...um....humbling it is to be in a Small Group. It is also liberating, to confess your sins to another sinner.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." (James 5:16 ESV)

Healing Begins Video Journal

Joyful Diligence?

So this is me. In my natural state. I would sit and rot my life away with a book or sleeping or eating. I do not kid myself that I'm inherently diligent or self-motivating or any such nonsense.

Also, I spend most of my time feeling guilty and beating myself up. Not a fun ride.

Sit. Read. Sit some more. Nap. Feel fat. Need to get up. No, I don't feel like getting up. Sit some more. Feel worse. I'll try again tomorrow.

Wake up. New day! Well, I'm always lazy, so why even try. Thus begins the cycle. Again.

This is life for me. Allow me to confess some sins to you: I'm excruciating lazy and selfish and feel quite entitled to do whatever I want. (Being a SAHM makes for a comfortable breeding ground for these sins.)

But God is a good Dad. He doesn't just sit by and let His children live in the filth they've always known. God is love, and that is not loving.

After some "coincidences" recently, I'm convinced that God wants me to step up and fight to be diligent in all areas of my life. (Yes, this is something that should be a given. For me, it hasn't been. Now, stop judging me.)

So here they are: my goals for 2012. They're big, but I've spent some time writing down how to practically live them out. (Those details would be different for everyone, so I won't give them.)

• Personal: Eat healthy, sleep responsibly and exercise daily.
• Walk with God: Seek satisfaction in God alone and fight for joy.
• Family: Love and serve my family with joy.
• Home: Work diligently, as for the Lord and not my hubby.
• Ministry: Joyfully pour my life out for the women and children I serve. 

Yes. They sound like your average Christian To-do List, but none of these things are easy for me. I have to fight to do them. I want to do them, but I just don't.

Here's to a new year and a hope in God's sufficient grace that produces change.

P.S. Please note that I'm seeking to all of this with joy, another attribute that doesn't come naturally. Like, at all. 

From Which Shall I Drink?

I have a choice to make every day, even every moment: Will I drink from the Fountain of Living Waters or from broken vessels that can't hold any water?

What do I know about fountains?

• A fountain is fed by a continuous stream of water.
• Its water is doesn't stagnate, because it's always moving.
• The water is fresh and clean and tastes delicious. 
• The water quenches one's thirst.
• It doesn't accumulate nasty critters that the eye can't see. 
• It's beautiful to watch and relaxing to hear.
• It isn't man-made.
• It helps animals, people and plants to grow and thrive.

What do I know about broken cisterns?

• A cistern is sometimes a jar to carry water in. If it's broken, then all the water pours out. 
• Sometimes a cistern is a well dug into the ground to hold water. If it's not filled in well, it'll leak.
• It's like a reservoir with a broken dam.
• It's usually man-made and man-broken, but not always.
• If there is any water, it becomes stagnate and not worth much. It can only grow organisms no one wants in his body.

Today, I've had and will have decisions to make. Will I drink and be satisfied from the Fountain of Living Waters? Or will I lift a broken cup to my mouth to drink, finding nothing or only drops of unclean water? 

Be appalled, O heavens, at this;

be shocked, be utterly desolate,

declares the LORD,

for my people have committed two evils:

they have forsaken me,

the fountain of living waters,

and hewed out cisterns for themselves,

broken cisterns that can hold no water.

(Jeremiah 2:12-13 ESV) 

If God is the Fountain of Living Waters, then as His child, I can drink and drink and drink, being filled up, my soul's thirsts wholly satisfied. 

Not everyone has this opportunity. Some are still slaves to the thirst with only broken containers laying around them.

Mrs. Erven, drink up! Children of God, drink up!

Goodbye, Baby Weight!

A mommy friend once told me, "It took you almost a year to get to the size you are now. Give yourself a year to get back down." Fair enough. I got pregnant. Gained weight over almost 10 months, and then lost only 1o-ish of it when Caleb was born. I have a good bit of "Baby Fluff" left to be rid of.


Also, I'm an extremist. I go from prideful to self-pitiful in no time, and lately, my weight has kept me on the pitiful end of the spectrum. I finally broke down and asked my hubby to help me. Neither of us are in the best shape of our lives, so both of us will benefit from this.

Recent Changes at Erven Manor

• Hubby's in charge of grocery shopping. (This means: lots of protein and veggies, and adiós to Nutella and breads and Hot Wings with skin and and apple juice and... Just typing that sentence made me sad.)
• Hubby dictates what I do at the gym. (This means: 3 days of weight training, 2 days of cardio and 1 day of yoga. Did I mention that I loathe weight training and love yoga? I enjoy weight lifting as I enjoy watching ugly paint dry.)
• Hubby dictates what I drink. (This means: I'm going to be sick of water. I mean...I'm going to be well hydrated.)

Allowing my husband to rule over these areas of my life for a while may make him sound like a dictator. It isn't like that. I've asked him to do this for me, because I am not exactly the most self-motivated person. 


However. If Caleb needs to sleep, no matter what it costs me, he's asleep. If my hubby says no, no matter what I lose, I obey him. (He's a reasonable guy. Trust me.) If I forget my reusable bags, I'm heading back to the car to get them. Mr. Erven made the point that I'll do whatever I need to do when it comes to what I'm convinced is important. He made me realize that I can be motivated and determined. I simply have to be convinced that the end result is far worthier than the temporary satisfaction. 


So, here I am on Day 1 of Goodbye, Baby Weight. This is me believing that the end result of healthiness and confidence is far more satisfying than Nutella or Zaxby's wings. No, really, Mrs. Erven. It's true. 


So far, so good. Mrs. Erven, it's not even 8am. Hey! Don't discourage me! I can do this, dang it!

and I've heard it a hundred times.

I've read this story. I've heard it pulled apart in sermons. I've been saddened by it before, but today this account just broke my heart.
  
...And a great crowd followed [Jesus] and thronged about him. And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, “If I touch even his garments, I will be made well.”


And immediately the flow of blood dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone out from him, immediately turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my garments?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’”


And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”
(Mark 5:24b-34 ESV, paragraph separation mine)